By Katie Lersch
I get a lot of emails from wives and girlfriends who have found out that their husband or boyfriend has been cheating and are not at all sure how to handle it or how to proceed. Some common comments are things like: "I can't envision our relationship ever being the same again. This hurts so much, but I still love him. What do I do now?;" or "I just don't know what to do now. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I am filled with self doubt. I want to do something to move myself forward, but I just don't want to know what." I'll tell you the advice that I typically give in the following article.
Don't Take Any Drastic Action While You're Still Reeling From The Affair:
It's so common to become so upset that you want to do something very drastic and lasting just to feel like you're doing something. This hurts so much that you want to fix it immediately. And, let's face it. It can feel momentarily good to lash out and make a huge scene or fuss. Sure, this relieves the tension for a short time, but often, you will come to regret these actions and decisions because you weren't thinking rationally when you made them.
Often we later regret these reactions. They don't paint us in a flattering light and sometimes they are just down right embarrassing. If you need to rage at something or someone, entrust this with a friend. Use your journal. There will be plenty of time to go off on your boyfriend or spouse when you've had the time to fully process this. But, give yourself some distance before you do. Your reacting very badly actually only gives your man more justification for doing what he did. Many women will see this as letting him off the hook. It really isn't. You will have your say, but wait until it's really you talking and not just your gut reaction.
Evaluate Why This Cheating Happened:
It's important that you understand exactly why the affair happened for many reasons. Whether it's with the man who cheated on you or not, you will have to pick up the pieces at some time. And, if any good comes out of this, it will likely be a better understanding of yourself and how you function in relationships. This cheating is not your fault, no matter what the state of the relationship was. Your spouse or boyfriend had many other available options. They chose to cheat instead. Do not beat yourself up for this decision on their part.
With that said though, take a look at any part that you may have had in this, even a small part. I'm not telling you to do this to blame yourself. I'm telling you to do this because any information that allows you improve, grow, and work on your own self knowledge and self confidence is a gift - no matter how you got it.
Whether you want to save your relationship or not, one day you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust again. This will be easier if you know why this happened so that you can prevent it from happening again.
Deciding Whether You're Better Off With Him Or Without Him:
Eventually, you will need to evaluate whether you want to cut your losses or want to rehabilitate your relationship with him. This often requires you to look past the hurt and rage and to evaluate his behaviors and actions prior to the affair. Because, there was a life before the cheating and either you were happy with it at one time or you weren't. Many times, we have a whole lot of history with this person and they do have many redeeming qualities, but we allow one act and one mistake to erase all of that. Again, I'm not excusing the cheating. I have felt the hurt of being cheated on and I would never excuse this. But, I also know that in order to move on, you need to separate the act from the man. You need to be able to think about whether he was good to you and for you before the cheating happened.
Sometimes, doing this will show you that he's never been that great for you and has pretty much always caused you pain and self doubt. Other times, this will help you see that he's been your rock and your partner until this one event. Only you can determine if it's worth hanging on and trying to work this out. But, I can tell you that people who are able to move on are able to separate previous history from one event.
Be "Selfish" And Focus On Yourself And What Makes You Happy:
Many times, women make the period after the affair one that I call "all about him." They want to know why he did this, how he feels right now, what he's doing, and what's wrong with you that caused him to do this. I understand why these questions seem important. But, it's better to place your focus on yourself. Because, until you're OK with yourself, it really doesn't matter very much what your husband says. You're not going to believe him anyway. He can tell you that he will never do this again because he's committed to and loves you. He can reassure you that he still finds you beautiful and sexy and wants to be with you, but if you're still filled with anger, unhappiness and self doubt, you're not hearing a word he says and you continue to walk around dragging the anger and hurt behind you.
To move past this, you must create your own happiness and you must know that you are able to handle another's short comings because at the end of the day, you're all you really have and all you really need. You can get by just fine on your own, but you chose to be with him or not because it suits you and because it's what you want. You have to understand that you deserve and want the very best for yourself. You deserve nothing less than this. Only you can decide if your husband or boyfriend fits this bill. But your mind and your heart should be in a good place when you make this decision. It won't be in this place if you're not in a good place with yourself.
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