My godfather has been my mother's best friend since they were eight years old, and they are still best friends today. My father (and my mother's husband) accepts their friendship. My paternal grandfather and my godfather are also pretty cool. Of course, my maternal family knows him and they're cool with him as well. My father is a deacon, and is in constant communication with female members of his church. Again, platonic friends. Being around parents who have a mutual understanding that they can have friends of the opposite sex, it floored me to date a guy who pretty much wanted me to abandon the few male friends that I have.
Boyfriend started off pretty cool. We hung out regularly, talked on the phone daily, and could chat about anything. I thought this was the perfect relationship (and being as commitment phobic as I am, that's pretty big) up until one day when I told him a male friend of mine was going to come by and see my new apartment. I'd never seen someone change their whole personality so quickly. For the rest of that week, I heard constant spiteful comments about how my "date" was coming on Saturday. The day that one of my male friends came by, Boyfriend called from an unidentified number and hung up on my answering machine. The next day, he bombarded me with questions about what time did Friend get there, what time did Friend leave, and what did Friend and I do while we were hanging out. I almost felt like I was in an interrogation room. Considering that I'm not the jealous type, I didn't understand his frustration nor do I to this day. From that relationship, I learned some very valuable lessons.
Lesson Number One: If you're going to be in a relationship with a jealous person, make sure that you introduce him to your friends. He may feel more comfortable if he knows who your other friends are instead of a mysterious friend showing up out of the clear blue sky. On my living room wall, I have several pictures of guy friends I've had over the years. Thinking that was hint enough that I hang with guys more than women, I assumed Boyfriend would understand. Although Friend and I had been tight for 10 years, it didn't occur to me to introduce Boyfriend to Friend because I didn't think it was a big deal, but afterwards, it seemed like a reasonable thing to do.
Lesson Number Two: To avoid possible accusations that you and your opposite sex friend are messing around, try to include your significant other in hanging out. Even better, if Friend is involved with someone, invite him/her along too. Double dates aren't really my thing, but it keeps the peace and again isn't unreasonable. It also gives Friend and Boyfriend the opportunity to bond. I see my godfather and father hang out, laugh, and chill when he comes into town to visit. My godfather even stood in my parents' wedding. Had my father and my godfather not gotten along, that would've never happened.
Lesson Number Three: Set a time limit on when your opposite sex friends can call. I'm a serious night owl and my guy friends know it. I was once on the phone with Boyfriend, and another guy friend from college called me pretty late at night. I answered my cell phone while I was on the house phone with Boyfriend, and Boyfriend could hear my whole conversation. I didn't put him on hold or the phone on mute because the conversation was brief and friendly, plus I had nothing to hide. Boyfriend misinterpreted the conversation as some type of booty call. Where he got that idea, I have no clue, but that was when I started to realize he was slightly possessive. After ignoring his rants for a few minutes with yawns and changing the subject, I finally got him to admit that he felt it was odd that another guy would call me so late. Even as a night owl like me, he still found it fishy. I shrugged and told my guy friends to try to call me at a more reasonable time, say before 10 p.m.
Lesson Number Four: If your opposite sex friend does call, please ask Friend to introduce himself to Boyfriend. I learned that the hard way with my godfather's wife. I called his house one day and asked to speak to him. Now mind you, when I was younger, this was never an issue. But as a young lady grows, her voice becomes more mature. My godfather's wife hissed about me stating my identity and when I told her who I was, she complained about how I could've spoken to her before asking for my godfather. At the time, I didn't understand the harm, but had she spoken to me in a calmer tone, I'd have understood why it is important to keep the significant other at ease. How much effort does it take to say "Hey ____________, this is ____________. How are you doing? Can I speak to _________________?" This way, the Significant Other knows who is calling on the phone for their Significant Other, and it could possibly keep Friend and Significant Other at ease.
Lesson Number Five: If Significant Other wants you to give up your friends now that he or she is in the picture, personally I don't feel this is justifiable. Friend could've been there before your relationship started and will be there if/when your relationship ends. Even when my godfather's wife had an issue with me calling and not speaking to her, he didn't stop being friends with my mother nor did the relationship between us become any less tight. His wife accepted that, and although she and I are not in communication now, the bond stayed the same. To give up a true friendship for someone else's insecurities is not only unfair to that Friend, but it's not fair to yourself. Friendships are few and far between, and if you luck out enough to find a genuine friend, don't let that person go. If you are faced with an ultimatum like this, ask your Significant Other if they like you for you. If they do, then they should be able to accept the package that comes with you, friends included. And if they don't, then Significant Other needs to be with someone just like him/her. There are those who enjoy Significant Others who should have side jobs as police officers, and then there are those like me who don't have the time nor patience to humor someone else's jealousy and insecurities. Walk to your door, open it, and kindly let Significant Other walk out. After all that explaining, it's really not worth the trouble. Hell, if you're lucky, Friend will introduce you to someone less psychotic.
