Why Couples Fight (CBS)

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Couples: From Fight or Flight to Partnership

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How To Fight Fair In Relationships

Fighting fair in relationships- Why is it absolutely essential to a strong relationship? Every relationship has conflict. If you don't fight fair though, there will never be true romantic love. Why? because one of you if not both will consistently harbor resentment towards the other. I read an awesome quote last week "It takes two to speak the truth. One to speak and the other to hear" That is very true.

When two people fight, there's naturally going to be a reaction in one or both people. That reaction is usually anger or rage. The way we handle these reactions determines whether or not our love will grow or whether it will die. Men need to learn a way to listen without making their partner's feelings seem unimportant. Women need to learn a way to approach their partners wtihout criticism and nagging. Women tend to become alot more emotional than men when conflict arises. Men will tend to become distant whereas women tend to nag on the issue because they need to show their emotions. Women also tend to be more insecure than men.

Some tips for fair fighting in a relationship:

Don't blame - Make suggestions instead. Also before discussing, try role reversal. Put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment and try to picture the conflict from their point of view.

Deal with one issue at a time. Don't bring up multiple issues at once. That is mental overload on both of you. DON'T continuously bring up past issues into current issues.

Men shouldn't run away during a fight. If you feel you need a time out- ask for one. Reassure your partner that you want to continue to talk about but you just need to take a mental time out. Women shouldn't follow your partner if they need that time out. Give a little space.

Only one person should talk at a time. If you need to set a timer, do so. I know that might sound a bit crazy but make it that each person gets 2 minutes at a time. Don't speak while your partner is speaking. LISTEN!!! Ask them to do the same while you are speaking. Again, always try to see the fight from your partner's view as well as your own.

Fair fighting in a relationship is a committment to your relationship, a committment to each other. It helps to understand each other and each other's needs.

The goal in fair fighting in a relationship is to get the anger out, get the hurt out, get those feelings validated without alienating your partner.

Remember, you love each other for a reason. You chose to be together for a reason. Take responsibility for your faults as well. Remember, if you are the wrong one, Say I AM SORRY. Don't let pride get in the way. Don't always expect to resolve issues all at once. No matter what the experts say, it is OK to go to bed mad sometimes. All issues can't be resolved right away.


ArticleSource:http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/how-to-fight-fair-in-relationships-4304636.html#ixzz1JVgsrmtB
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

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Fight Less, Love More

 

Learn how to curb relationship arguments with this excerpt from Laurie Puhn, J.D.’s new book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change a Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In”

Admit it, you've had a dumb argument with your partner. We all have. No more! To help you up your communication know-how, Harvard lawyer and couples mediator Laurie Puhn has written Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. As Puhn explains, “Many of my clients have these foolish disagreements with their partner but they don’t realize it until I point it out to them." Below, an excerpt of her book reveals two common types of arguments couples often have--and how to avoid them the healthy way.

1. The Dumb Premature Argument Hector and Maria live in an apartment but hope to buy a house someday. Every time they visit a friend who lives in a house, their drive home provides ample time for squabbling about whether they should buy a ranch-style home like the one Maria grew up in or a two-story colonial like the one Hector’s family had. They argue vehemently about the pros and cons of each style, but the silly thing is, they aren’t planning to move out of their apartment until their toddler is ready for kindergarten, at least 3 years from now. Even if they managed to argue their way to a decision now, in all likelihood they would have to reargue the same issue in 3 years anyway, because people’s preferences, incomes, and family situations change over time.
The Wise Tactic:
If the outcome of any argument can’t be acted upon for a long time, it’s a dumb premature argument. As much as you might want to voice your side now, you’ll only be wasting time and energy—and adding unnecessary conflict to your relationship. When you realize that you’re arguing about something that doesn’t need an immediate decision, it’s wise to short-circuit the fight by saying, “Why don’t we wait to have this discussion until we actually need to?” In the case of Hector and Maria, one of them simply needs to say, “Why are we wasting our time arguing about this now? Let’s make a pact not to debate our design preferences until we’re actually ready to buy a house!” This will give your partner the ability to retreat gracefully with a comment like “That’s a good idea. I don’t know why we started talking about this now anyway.”
2. The Dumb Factual Argument
My husband and I were driving to a 99¢ store to buy some party supplies. I mentioned, “You know, a lot of these so-called 99¢ stores charge more than 99¢ for many of the items they sell.”
“Not possible,” he said. “All 99¢ stores sell everything at that price. That’s why they’re called 99¢ stores.”
“That’s not true. You don’t know because you haven’t been to one. The 99¢ thing is just a way to get more people into the store,” I explained.
“Why would they call it a 99¢ store if it’s not one?” he shot back, still trying to convince me.
“Wait a minute,” I blurted out. “This is a dumb argument. We’re arguing about a fact. Why don’t we just hold on for 10 minutes, get to the store, and we’ll have our answer?” He agreed, so we shut our mouths and found the answer in the store. (I was right!).

The Wise Tactic:
Have you ever found yourself getting agitated because your partner says you’re wrong when you’re sure you’re right? Or have you found yourself trading “It’s true” and “No, it isn’t” until you’re both blue in the face? Those are all familiar set-up words for the dumb factual argument. Instead, when you are bickering about a fact like an address, a name, or a statistic, recognize this and say, “Hey, we’re arguing about a fact. Let’s just find out the information instead of fighting about it.” In less than 5 minutes, you’ll have your answer and avoid an argument over nothing.


-The 5-minute Conversation: Short-Circuit a Dumb Argument

1. Admit Your Error Switch gears as soon as you realize you shouldn’t have picked this foolish battle. Recognize that you are engaged in a premature argument or arguing about a fact, or any of the other common tiffs I discuss in my book Fight Less, Love More. Then, hold up your hands as if to surrender and admit your error with a simple comment that identifies why you’re having a dumb argument. For example, you could say, “Wait a second. I shouldn’t have said that. This is silly because we are having a dumb argument about something that’s a fact.”

2. No Buts About It If your mate doesn’t want to short-circuit the argument and tries to continue with a comment like “But just let me explain,” let him or her talk and then short-circuit the potential argument again by saying, “Well, that could be, but there’s no point in debating it.” Just keep up that response and your partner will eventually have to let the argument go.


Article Source:http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-communication

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