4 Things Never To Say To Your Partner

 

 We say a lot of regrettable things in the heat of an argument or when we’re feeling frustrated, but certain things are much more hurtful than others -- and cause more trouble than they’re worth. Here are four things you should avoid saying in your relationship, even if you’re really angry.

We never do anything fun anymore.

This statement implies that your unhappiness and boredom is his fault, which really isn't fair. If you want to go out or plan a trip, you're more than capable of taking action. A relationship rut is rarely one person's fault; it takes two to let the excitement slip away. Rather than making him feel like he's failed in some way, discuss the fact that you think it's time the two of you did something fun together. Go out to dinner and talk about some things you can do to spice up the relationship. Plan a vacation, take a road trip or incorporate some new activities into your weekend plans.

If you loved me, you would.

This is a manipulative move that puts your partner on the spot. Chances are there's a lot more to the situation than whether he loves you, but giving him an ultimatum leaves very little room for discussion. No one in a relationship should feel pressured to make split decisions or do uncomfortable things. Don't do this to your man just to get your way.

Your mom/sister/aunt is crazy.

Even if his mom drives you nuts or his aunt's nagging makes you want to throw yourself off a bridge, keep your feelings about his family to yourself. He may think the same thing, but only he is allowed to comment. Think about how you would feel if he insulted your mother: You probably wouldn't be impressed. Rather than start a fight about the woman who brought him into this world, just stay quiet. It's better than saying something you can't take back.

Your friends are idiots.

His friends might indeed be idiots, but they're his friends, and he loves them. Some playful teasing is fine, but offending people he holds in high regard could make him justifiably upset. You don't have to hang out with all of the people he does, so just don't spend time with the people who bother you.

Article Source: http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/826547/4-things-never-to-say-to-your-partner


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Will Smith Gives Good Relationship Advice

 After being married for 13 years to wife Jada Pinkett-Smith, actor Will Smith seems like he would be a good person to sit down and talk with about how to make a healthy marriage work. He recently spoke with Essence about relationships, schooling us on not only love and marriage, but what men need to be happy. He says that every man wants to marry their “homie,” avoid nagging by direct affection, give your man a little space, and keep things mysterious:

If You Marry Your Best Friend, You’re Good 

Every man wants to marry his homie, Will explained. A lot of women will impress them, but it’s the one they can always laugh with and be themselves with that will ultimately impress them the most. If you can be yourselves around each other, 100 percent of the time, and they can make you life like no one else can, you’ll never have a dull moment together.  

Remind Him of What He Has 

When you start to feel that you’re nagging your husband to the point of no return and nothing you’re saying is getting through, Will suggests you try a new approach. Hold him close, look him right in the eyes, and tell him that you love him, you’re right there, and you always will be, BUT you need him to pick his socks up – right now.  As Will puts it, it’s important to remind him that your request is coming from a good place, and what you want is a small thing in the grand scheme of things. Um, genius!  

All Men Need A Little Space 

“If you don’t give your husband thirty minutes to himself when he first gets home he’ll stop coming home,” Will told me, straight up. (You’re thinking, no way, right? I did too!) When I asked Will when a wife was supposed to say her piece, he responded, “anytime after that.” Will reminded me that everyone’s home needs to feel like a happy place, and it won’t if you’re “greeted with negativity” every time you enter the door. Touché Will. Talk about a pause for the cause.  

Focus on Balance and Excitement Always According to Will and Jada’s way of thinking about marriage, maintaining a happy union isn’t just about making time for one another, it’s about making the time count too. Excitement and mystery are everything, he said. Surprise them, let them know you love them, laugh together – whatever it takes to put a smile on their face.

Article Source: http://necolebitchie.com/2011/06/21/will-smith-offers-relationship-advice-marry-your-best-friend/

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How to Keep the Peace Between Opposite Sex Friends and Significant Others

By Shamontiel

My godfather has been my mother's best friend since they were eight years old, and they are still best friends today. My father (and my mother's husband) accepts their friendship. My paternal grandfather and my godfather are also pretty cool. Of course, my maternal family knows him and they're cool with him as well. My father is a deacon, and is in constant communication with female members of his church. Again, platonic friends. Being around parents who have a mutual understanding that they can have friends of the opposite sex, it floored me to date a guy who pretty much wanted me to abandon the few male friends that I have.

Boyfriend started off pretty cool. We hung out regularly, talked on the phone daily, and could chat about anything. I thought this was the perfect relationship (and being as commitment phobic as I am, that's pretty big) up until one day when I told him a male friend of mine was going to come by and see my new apartment. I'd never seen someone change their whole personality so quickly. For the rest of that week, I heard constant spiteful comments about how my "date" was coming on Saturday. The day that one of my male friends came by, Boyfriend called from an unidentified number and hung up on my answering machine. The next day, he bombarded me with questions about what time did Friend get there, what time did Friend leave, and what did Friend and I do while we were hanging out. I almost felt like I was in an interrogation room. Considering that I'm not the jealous type, I didn't understand his frustration nor do I to this day. From that relationship, I learned some very valuable lessons.

Lesson Number One: If you're going to be in a relationship with a jealous person, make sure that you introduce him to your friends. He may feel more comfortable if he knows who your other friends are instead of a mysterious friend showing up out of the clear blue sky. On my living room wall, I have several pictures of guy friends I've had over the years. Thinking that was hint enough that I hang with guys more than women, I assumed Boyfriend would understand. Although Friend and I had been tight for 10 years, it didn't occur to me to introduce Boyfriend to Friend because I didn't think it was a big deal, but afterwards, it seemed like a reasonable thing to do.
 

Lesson Number Two: To avoid possible accusations that you and your opposite sex friend are messing around, try to include your significant other in hanging out. Even better, if Friend is involved with someone, invite him/her along too. Double dates aren't really my thing, but it keeps the peace and again isn't unreasonable. It also gives Friend and Boyfriend the opportunity to bond. I see my godfather and father hang out, laugh, and chill when he comes into town to visit. My godfather even stood in my parents' wedding. Had my father and my godfather not gotten along, that would've never happened.

 
Lesson Number Three: Set a time limit on when your opposite sex friends can call. I'm a serious night owl and my guy friends know it. I was once on the phone with Boyfriend, and another guy friend from college called me pretty late at night. I answered my cell phone while I was on the house phone with Boyfriend, and Boyfriend could hear my whole conversation. I didn't put him on hold or the phone on mute because the conversation was brief and friendly, plus I had nothing to hide. Boyfriend misinterpreted the conversation as some type of booty call. Where he got that idea, I have no clue, but that was when I started to realize he was slightly possessive. After ignoring his rants for a few minutes with yawns and changing the subject, I finally got him to admit that he felt it was odd that another guy would call me so late. Even as a night owl like me, he still found it fishy. I shrugged and told my guy friends to try to call me at a more reasonable time, say before 10 p.m. 

Lesson Number Four: If your opposite sex friend does call, please ask Friend to introduce himself to Boyfriend. I learned that the hard way with my godfather's wife. I called his house one day and asked to speak to him. Now mind you, when I was younger, this was never an issue. But as a young lady grows, her voice becomes more mature. My godfather's wife hissed about me stating my identity and when I told her who I was, she complained about how I could've spoken to her before asking for my godfather. At the time, I didn't understand the harm, but had she spoken to me in a calmer tone, I'd have understood why it is important to keep the significant other at ease. How much effort does it take to say "Hey ____________, this is ____________. How are you doing? Can I speak to _________________?" This way, the Significant Other knows who is calling on the phone for their Significant Other, and it could possibly keep Friend and Significant Other at ease.
 
Lesson Number Five: If Significant Other wants you to give up your friends now that he or she is in the picture, personally I don't feel this is justifiable. Friend could've been there before your relationship started and will be there if/when your relationship ends. Even when my godfather's wife had an issue with me calling and not speaking to her, he didn't stop being friends with my mother nor did the relationship between us become any less tight. His wife accepted that, and although she and I are not in communication now, the bond stayed the same. To give up a true friendship for someone else's insecurities is not only unfair to that Friend, but it's not fair to yourself. Friendships are few and far between, and if you luck out enough to find a genuine friend, don't let that person go. If you are faced with an ultimatum like this, ask your Significant Other if they like you for you. If they do, then they should be able to accept the package that comes with you, friends included. And if they don't, then Significant Other needs to be with someone just like him/her. There are those who enjoy Significant Others who should have side jobs as police officers, and then there are those like me who don't have the time nor patience to humor someone else's jealousy and insecurities. Walk to your door, open it, and kindly let Significant Other walk out. After all that explaining, it's really not worth the trouble. Hell, if you're lucky, Friend will introduce you to someone less psychotic.

Article Source: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/292048/how_to_keep_the_peace_between_opposite_pg3.html?cat=41



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Joyful Solutions to Relationship Difficulties

By Laurie Moore, LMFT, CHT, PhD


Note: This article is for couples who have experienced love and compatibility but are having current challenges. This article is not for people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unable to be present due to addiction. Abuse and addiction situations require other kinds of counseling.

Couples with the compatibility and love needed for longevity will find themselves in uncomfortable quagmires at different times. This is due to the complexity of being human. When you look at the combination of factors included in a human (background, emotional temperament, unique characteristics, drives and yearnings, goals, genetic factors, view point, soul calling, karmic lessons) there is a lot going on. Put two people together and you have a rich design that is sometimes a puzzle. For this reason, couples may feel challenged within a very good relationship at times. No relationship is a custom-made combination of 100% fitting characteristics. The beauty of a relationship is that our harmonious sharings give us great warmth while our areas of difference can give rise to deeper compassion and love. A relationship that is challenged is an opportunity for clarifying intentions, learning new ways of harmonizing, and growing in compassion.

In today’s world, people are apt to give up on a good relationship because narcissism is at play. Opportunities for deeper growth, bonding and love can be missed when someone can only see the value of his or her own needs.

Therapy is a good way to find deeper union in the face of challenge. Therapy can teach you to listen more deeply to the expressions and yearnings of self and other. In this openness, emerging solutions to chronic problems may come about in surprising ways. Where once two people felt unsupported, depth of care may be found.

Relationship is a path of learning, compromise and gratitude. Couples who make gratitude more important than dissatisfaction are better at sustaining love and care when differences cause temporary disturbance. Couples who share a clear, positive intention for their relationship’s evolution are likely to return to happiness and harmony. Those who invest in making one another the “sick, bad, or wrong” one may not be any happier in the next relationship.

Gratitude and intention can be hard to remember when our equilibrium is being threatened. Good counseling is a way to receive support from a non-judgmental party who can help both members of the couple to expand into new viewpoints.

When one sees differently, it becomes easier to support the health of both involved.

Remember there are always two sides to each situation. When we step outside of an attachment to making one view point better than another, we see that both our partner and ourself carry valid needs and experiences. From this deeper listening we can find the way back to peace.

Often our lack of peace is the result of old hurts (our own, our collective society’s, or our ancestors’ which we may inherit genetically). When a skilled therapist assists us with transforming these hurts over time, we approach our relationship differently. Where once we felt trapped and stuck, now we might flow creatively.

To begin healing immediately take some time to reflect upon what you are thankful to your partner about. Let him or her know. Clarify to yourself, what you are seeking with your partner in most simple terms. For example, I desire and intend to return to a state of ease and mutual acceptance with my partner.

Look honestly to see if you might be carrying old hurts around with you. Might these hurts be affecting your ability to respond to a current situation with workability? Are you able to practice what you are looking for in the relationship yourself, or is undigested pain in the way? If yes, are you willing to get help for your side of the problem? Couples who each attend individual counseling as well as couples’ counseling tend to do better with altering conflict.

Ask yourself if you would be willing to release a view point or habitual emotional habit that is impeding your own goal for the relationship. Share all of the suggestions listed with your partner after you try them out yourself. Share the affects you experience from trying out these methods also. Invite your partner along for the rewarding journey. Find out if she or he is also ready and willing to do his or her work so that both of you may benefit.

While it is true that some people simply are not compatible, many give up before their greatest potential is reached. I invite you to look deeply into yourself with the help of an experienced counselor before leaving a relationship. Whether you stay or go, you are being given an opportunity to learn something precious which can stay with you forever. Once you find what you are looking for, you may also find that your mate is ideal for you after all! I have seen this happen many times, both while sitting in the counselor’s chair, and in the opportunities of my own life.


Article Source:http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/



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Unhealthy Relationship Signs and How to Fix Them

An unhealthy relationship can break you down. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you have two choices. You can either fix it or end the relationship. When you’re not happy, every part of you suffers. An unhealthy relationship can make you a physical and emotional wreck.

So how do you turn your unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship? There are strategies you can use to make your relationship work. You will need to work through any conflicting issues with your partner.





Money - The Root Of All Evil?
Money arguments can turn the healthiest relationship into a battlefield of arguments. Some of the main reasons why money causes frictions in relationships are because; one partner earns more than the other, bills, bills and more bills, lack of money and overspending. The one earning the most may feel resentment towards their partner because they take care of most of the expenditures. They may use that power to control the spending habits of the household. When there’s not enough money coming in to pay the bills, it causes tensions. Or if you have a spender living with a saver, the spender will be criticized for wasting money.

Instead of arguing, find a solution. Don’t throw blame around because it only adds to the problem. Sit down together, work out a budget and make a list of priorities. Part of the budget should include some money for the two of you to spend some regular quality time together. It could be a trip to the cinema, enjoying an affordable meal at a local resturant or just sharing a bottle of wine and watching a DVD at home. You should decide how often you can afford to treat yourselves.

Love Makes The World Go Round
The intense passion, excitement, can’t get enough of you, butterflies in the stomach feelings you get when you first fall in love don’t last. When that feeling fades, the rose tinted glasses comes off as well. You realise that you’re not intoxicated by love anymore. You’re just a normal everyday couple and love doesn’t feel like it used to. Routines may replace spontaneity. Passion has taken a back seat and you hardly talk to each other, your man hugs you like you’re his sister and the words ‘I love you’ are hardly mentioned. So how can you make your love candle burn again?

Compliment and praise each other often. Cook a lovely candlelit dinner once a week or month. Go away for romantic weekends. Watch comedy films that will make you both laugh. Mutual laughter keeps your relationship exciting. It triggers endorphines which makes you feel happy. Be like little kids again and do silly things like tickling each other. Get rid of stress and have playful pillow fights. Take long, leisurely walks in the park together. Hold hands when you walk down the road. Try to remember why you fell in love with each other and recapture some of those magical feelings.
Kiss and hug your man every day and tell him that you love him. A friend of mine told me that since she started doing that, her relationship has done a 90 degree turn around. It also boosted their sex life. Bring back some fun into your relationship.

You Argue About Anything and Everything
Arguing is not all bad. It’s normal to have different points of views. The only couples who don’t argue are the perfect couples. Unfortunately, they don’t exist. If you’re always arguing, have you both tried to find out what the problem is or do you just argue back? Ignoring the problem will not make it go away either. A male friend told me that every evening after work; he would go home to a messy house to find his girlfriend entertaining her friends. He told her for months that he wasn’t happy and tried to sort things out with her. But instead of listening or compromising, she carried on doing what she was doing. His resentment at her attitude turned into daily arguments. The relationship eventually ended.

Arguments can be solved. Never go to bed angry . It takes two to argue. Calm down! Go for a walk or leave the room for a while. Actively listen to each other’s explanation without interrupting. Tell him why you’re upset and how you feel. Don’t scream or shout. Talk about what you can both do to solve the problem that’s causing the arguments. Compromise if you have to. If the two of you can’t find a solution, you may need to see a relationship coach or get some professional counselling.

Help! Sex Life Needs a BoostWhen the relationship’s fresh you can’t get enough of each other. But after a while, things can get boring in the bedroom. You feel like it’s the same old, same old stuff. He doesn’t excite you anymore. Do you force yourself to be in the mood sometimes? Do you lie there wishing he would hurry up so that you can go to sleep? So, what are you going to do to revive your sex life?

Just because you’ve been together for a while doesn’t mean your sex life has to be boring. You are the woman. You have the power to ignite some new fire in the bedroom. Take him to La Senza and get him to buy you some sexy lingerie. Wear them for him. Why confine sex to the bedroom? Try different rooms in the house or better still, book into a hotel room for a night of passion. Pretend that you’re new lovers – Mr & Mrs Smith. Light some perfumed candles and put them around the bathroom. Take warm baths together. Put some romantic, smoochy music on, turn the lights down low and slow dance with your man. Spend time kissing and caressing each other before making love. These are just some of the things you can do to spice up your sex life and maintain a healthy relationship.


You Don’t Spend Quality Time Together
In the beginning people thought he was your Siamese twin. Wherever you went he would be there beside you. He couldn’t get enough of your company. He even ignored his best friend to be with you. Now you feel like you have to book an appointment to see him. Your man finishes work and instead of coming home he goes out with his friends. At weekends he always find excuses to meet up with them. You start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. What happened to those wonderful quality times you used to share together?

Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with you. If he points out that there’s a problem in the relationship, work it out together. If you want to get close to him again, plan to spend good quality time together. Visit the theatre, go bowling, go away for weekends, or drive down to the coast together. Still allow him ‘his time‘ with his friends, but make sure you spend quality time together. Most importantly though, talk to each other.

Keeping a healthy relationship means you have to show love and support to your partner. Communicate with each other. Surprise your man sometimes. Put love notes in his lunch box, work briefcase, trousers or shirt pockets for him to find when he’s not at home. Keep the passion alive. It will strengthen your love for each other.


Article Source:http://www.miraculousladies.com/relationships/unhealthy-relationship-signs-and-how-to-fix-them/



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Why Couples Fight (CBS)

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Couples: From Fight or Flight to Partnership

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How to Resolve Trust Issues in a Relationship

Nobody likes to be fighting with a loved one, but a loss of trust causes serious problems. Trust issues are hard to overcome and often keep popping up. You and your partner must resolve your trust issues if you are to move toward a more healthy relationship.

Instructions:

Talk it out. This seems obvious, but when two people in a relationship talk, it helps if the couple trusts each other. Building trust can be especially hard with someone you're in a relationship with because that person has the power to hurt you. By practicing constant communication and keeping it open and honest, trust can be slowly built, or rebuilt.

Forget the past. Don't hold on to old hurts. Everyone's been hurt, and you need to work through those issues, not hold on to them and shove them in the other person's face. This will only make things worse, and it won't resolve anything. The important thing is to not dwell on the things that happened.

Focus on the present. Don't let your mind think about the bad things that could happen. When you focus on what could be, you're heading down a road that destroys trust. Banish negative thoughts and think about what IS happening, not what could happen.

Take it slowly. Take your relationship day by day and communicate daily as well. Don't expect all of your walls to come crumbling down overnight--it takes work, and time.

Article Source:http://www.ehow.com/how_2314162_resolve-trust-issues-relationship.html



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Love's Little Blind Spots

By Tim Jarvis
Oprah.com | From the April 2008 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

The power of your partner's self-absorption—how he or she can sit so cheerfully through dinner, oblivious to the fact that you're visibly upset, for example—may amaze you, but don't write off the relationship so fast. There are a couple of good excuses to explain such clueless behavior, and they're likely to apply to you as well.

The first excuse has to do with an innocent brain glitch called attentional blink. Originally described by Canadian scientists in 1992, it occurs in certain circumstances when, for a split second, "we literally become unconscious of what might be happening right in front of us," says Richard Davidson, PhD, professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin–Madison. Researchers can elicit the blink by showing subjects a rapid stream of numbers on a computer screen and asking them to hit a button every time they see a 3. When two 3s appear closely together, Davidson says, almost nobody hits the button twice. "It's as if the mind gets stuck on the occurrence of the first and misses the second."

This is particularly true when we're in a heated or passionate interchange. "With emotional cues, our attention is very sticky," he explains.

"We tend to grasp onto certain things, which is really what causes us to miss the others. Rubbernecking on the freeways is an example of attentional grasping." Davidson's latest research showed, however, that three months of intensive vipassana—or insight—meditation significantly reduced attentional blink. "Vipassana increases awareness of one's surroundings in a nonjudgmental, nonreactive way," Davidson says, but he believes any kind of meditation, even 20 minutes a day, could make spouses better at reading each other's subtleties.

There's another reason people fail to notice their lover's gestures, expressions, or words: "If you're doing well as a couple, basically you have a reservoir of goodwill, so he can be momentarily neglectful or mean-spirited, and it's discounted," says Timothy W. Smith, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Utah who studies the effects of marital interactions on health. "But couples not doing so well are quick to make a great deal of the lapse." Smith agrees that meditation can help spouses connect with more clarity and awareness.

Davidson recommends starting with a simple meditation of focusing on your breath; when your mind wanders, notice how it's distracted, and come back to your breathing. With regular practice, he says, "I believe a couple would be able to pick up more information about each other's emotional state and do it in a way that is not judgmental. The combination of those two things bodes quite well for improving interpersonal relationships."


Article Source:http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Get-and-Give-Attention-in-Your-Relationship/print/1



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Some Tips For Improving Interactions With Loved Ones

Share more. Be open and honest about what is really going on in your life. This will help others relate to you better and, in turn, open up to you.

Make time to talk. Agree to a time to chat each day. Consider setting a time limit, especially for couples where one person likes to talk more than the other. It helps the quiet person speak up—and the chatty one focus on what's really worth saying.

Go outside together. Being outdoors relieves stress and makes it easier to connect. There's also less need for direct eye contact, sometimes a good thing.

Discuss finances. Money is one of the most divisive issues in a relationship. Discuss it and decide how to manage it before it becomes a problem.

Turn off the computer. And the iPhone, TV and videogames.

Try talking without a screen in front of you. Too many families spend evenings with their separate electronic devices.

Make new friends. Research shows that high-quality relationships are important. Add to your support network by reaching out to someone you'd like to know better

Source:http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203731004576045721718177728.html



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Listen Up! Enrich Your Relationships Through Active Listening

By Jennifer L. Huget 


You probably think you're a pretty good listener. But unless you've studied the tenets of a process known as "active listening," you might be missing a lot.

Active listening calls for the listener to devote his full attention to the speaker, to genuinely care what the other person's saying and to encourage the speaker to keep talking.

It's the polar opposite of what most of us do every day, according to Virginia-based psychologist Elliott Jaffa, Ph.D.
"Active listening is like learning another language," explains Jaffa, who says most people are far more interested in what they themselves have to say rather than what others are saying to them.

"The opposite of listening," he explains, "is waiting." Instead of listening carefully, many people subconsciously send the message "I want you to hurry up and shut up so I can talk."

And while waiting for their turn to speak, people often don't pay attention to what others are saying. "They're too busy organizing what they're going to say," Jaffa explains.

Proponents of active listening say it can improve all sorts of relationships. Husbands and wives, parents and children, students and teachers, doctors and patients, and employees and bosses (and fellow employees) all can benefit from paying closer attention to what each other says as well as from using active listening as a means of showing respect to one another.

Why listening isn't always easy

Learning to listen well can be challenging, says Judi Brownell, Ph.D., former president of the River Falls, Wisc.-based International Listening Association and the author of two books on listening: Listening: Attitudes, Principles, and Skills (Allyn & Bacon, 3rd edition, 2005) and Building Active Listening Skills (Prentice Hall, 1986).

"The listener may struggle at first because so many of us have spent years focusing on getting our own messages across rather than on fully understanding someone else," she says. Active listening also "requires that the individual do something with what he or she hears."

"It begins with focused attention to the speaker and extends to comprehension, interpretation and evaluation of the message," says Brownell. "Remembering what is heard and responding appropriately are also included in the active listening process."

Active listening basics

In most instances, active listening consists of a few deceptively simple techniques:

• Offering encouragement by nodding or saying "uh-huh" or "I see"
• Restating the basic ideas, using terms such as "If I understand you correctly, ..." or "So what you're saying is ..."
• Reflecting on the feelings that the speaker is trying to convey: "Seems like that bothered you a lot ..."
• Summarizing the speaker's key ideas

Brownell says such a structured approach serves several purposes. "It allows the speaker to hear the message as interpreted by the listener and to adjust it if it has been misunderstood or is incomplete. It also prevents the listener from becoming judgmental, so that the speaker is free to express him/herself without becoming defensive," she says.

"The active listening response encourages the speaker to continue speaking," Brownell adds. "This type of listening is empowering because the speaker's thoughts and feelings are reflected and reaffirmed, providing a safe and supportive context."

At first, active listening techniques can seem stilted and artificial. But with practice, experts agree that you can learn to incorporate active listening skills seamlessly into your everyday conversations.
"Active listening is a learned behavior, but it's something anyone can learn," Jaffa says.

More tips

Jaffa offers these additional tips for becoming a proactive listener:

• Shut up. Stop talking.
• Cheat. Pick up a pencil and paper and take notes.
• Sit down with the person. Say, "Let's sit down and talk." This shows that what the person is saying is important.
• Be aware of your body language and facial expressions. If you keep looking over the speaker's shoulder to see who else is in the room, the speaker won't think that you're listening.
• Ask open-ended questions — and ask questions that will elicit the information you want to know.
• Ask for clarification. It's OK to say you're not sure what the speaker has said and to ask him to repeat himself.
• Paraphrase. Repeat the main ideas back to the speaker. But don't interrupt — wait until the speaker's finished their thought.

Article Source:http://www.revolutionhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/self/communication/active-listening



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Practicing Patience in Relationships

One of the best things you can have in a relationship, whether it is with a friend, or a family member is patience. Patience is one of the key ingredients to love, and love is essential to a relationship that works and lasts.


Love is a motivator, and a powerful one. With the love that patience inspires you have the key to so much more in a relationship. Love motivates us to work harder to be kinder, to learn more, to do more, and to grow more in our relationships. This means having the satisfaction, gratification, and joy that is found in deep, meaningful, and lasting relationships.


Patience will help you respond positively in a negative situation. Negative situations arise, and often, in relationships. When you are that close to someone, and expose your weaknesses, it is easy to exploit those and have negativity, but when you practice patience, it allows you to not overreact, or do something you will later regret, instead it helps you to be calm and positive.


Impatience brings out the worst in other people. It causes people to overreact, and act foolishly. If you are impatient you inspire negativity in others. This can't be good for relationships. When you are impatient with someone you cause them to bristle. Their defenses go out, and they go on guard, and pretty soon, instead of being rational, and discussing things, and moving forward in your relationship, you get in a shouting match where hurtful, stupid things come out.


Patience stops problems in their tracks. It is hard to be angry with someone when they are patient with you. It is hard to yell at someone when they won't yell back. When you practice patience, you inspire patience in others, which leads to problems having no foothold in your relationship.


Patience makes us wise. If you are patient, you do not blurt out things you will later regret. It allows you to have a complete picture before you act, and thus you act far more wisely. Who doesn't want to be wise in their relationships?


Patience fosters peace and quiet. Patient people do not run around causing havoc. Patience in relationships allows you to grow love because it creates the peaceful quiet environment needed for that love to grow.


Patience allows for human error. No one is perfect, if you practice patience you will recognize this, and thus allow those that you are in a relationship with to be human. It is amazing what this will do for a relationship. When you recognize their humanity, and thus propensity for error, you stop expecting perfection, and start loving the person, flaws and all. If you have ever had someone accept you for you, you know how powerful that can be, and how much of a bond that can forge in a relationship.
Relationships where both parties see the human in the other person are far stronger because it takes more than a misunderstanding, or a few harsh words to ruin the relationship.



Article Source:http://www.improvingyourworld.com/finances/practicing_patience_in_relationships_006050.html



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Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Communication is the bedrock of relationships. But when two people with different backgrounds, perspectives and concerns get together, there are many things that can go wrong along the way.
Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a Denver-based clinical psychologist who works with couples and authored the book The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage, shares five common communication pitfalls and practical ways to overcome them.

1. Pitfall: Not knowing the rules.
Constructive communication has various principles, some of which you or your partner might not know naturally. Or you might have different expectations and totally different communication styles.
For instance, your childhood has a lot to do with how you communicate. “If you grew up in a family where discussion meant debate, you’ll talk very differently than if you grew up in a family where discussion meant sharing perspectives and building new ideas together,” Heitler says.

Also, some people don’t realize that when they’re communicating, they might be doing something that’s hurtful to their partner. Hurtful behaviors include interpreting, criticism and name-calling, Heitler says.

Interpreting can look like this, according to Heitler: While the wife is washing the dishes and the husband is sitting on the couch reading a book, she assumes that he thinks dishes are a woman’s job and that there’s no way that he’d join her let alone be willing to take dishes on as his responsibility. “Her interpretation blocks her from asking to find out how in fact he would feel about shifting their after-dinner routines,” Heitler says.

When it comes to criticism, a wife who feels she’s not being listened to might say, “When I had problems with my co-workers, you blew me off.” Criticism can easily lead to name-calling, Heitler says. The spouse might—in her mind or out loud—call her husband selfish. Such conversations can then escalate into a blowout.

Pointer: Instead of interpreting, ask your partner, “How come you’re reading while I’m washing the dishes?” Heitler says. The answer might be as simple as the husband getting so engrossed in the book that he didn’t even know that she was doing the dishes.

Instead of criticizing your partner, discuss your concerns. If you feel like your partner isn’t listening to you, ask about their reaction. “What did you think about what I said?” If they say that they’d rather not talk about it, you can inquire why.


2. Pitfall: Aiming for compromise.
You might be surprised to learn that looking for compromise is a pitfall, but compromise produces two losers. As Heitler says, compromise is a “lose-lose solution” for the couple that “leaves both partners feeling compromised.” A win-win solution, by contrast, occurs when her-way meets his-way and creates an our-way, she says.

Pointer: The key is to talk about the specifics of your and your partner’s underlying concerns, and be responsive to them. When you understand both partners’ concerns, the two of you can brainstorm specific solutions. This approach works best when couples take potentially overwhelming issues and break them down into smaller concrete concerns that can be addressed one at a time.

For instance, Heitler worked with a married couple who had disagreements about having kids. He loved his high-intensity job as a trial attorney, for which he worked late nights almost every weekday. She wanted to have a big family, which she said she couldn’t handle on her own.

A compromise would’ve meant her saying that they can have two kids and him saying that he’ll get home at six, Heitler says. However, for both partners, this would’ve been a raw deal.

But when they discussed their underlying concerns, they came up with a win-win solution. To help with the children, they decided to hire nannies, one of whom could stay in the evenings. “Her concern was more about handling children and less about how much time they spent as a couple,” Heitler says. But she did have some concern about spending time together. The couple decided that once a month, they’d go on a weekend getaway. Over time, the husband didn’t want to miss out on family time, so he ended up cutting his hours anyway.


3. Pitfall: Playing pin the tail on the donkey.
After an upsetting situation, you might think that the goal of looking back at what happened it is to figure out who’s at fault. If you’re using the words “you should have,” that’s a giveaway that you’re playing the blame game, Heitler says.

Pointer: Look back at your own behavior and ask yourself what you can do differently in the future. As Heitler says, “it’s not your job to decide what your partner should do differently but to decide what you could do differently.”

Heitler says that signs that you’re learning are when you say things like “Next time, I think I will” or “Next time I think I could.” Consider starting with these words when brainstorming your own future actions.


4. Pitfall: Letting escalating emotions take over.
“The hotter you get, the more likely it is that you’ll race full speed ahead down the criticism and blame road. To stay on the road to mutual understanding and solution-building, avoid overheating,” Heitler says. Excessive emotions can derail a conversation and turn it into a full-blown fight.

Pointer: When you’re frustrated, angry or upset, it’s best to pause the conversation. “Give yourself some time, and even a brief walk into a separate physical space, to calm down,” Heitler says.
If you can’t seem to de-escalate your emotions, then table the talk for another day. Make an agreement with your partner that when the conversation starts to heat up, you’ll stop.


Article Source:http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/



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10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship [Part-3]

7. State who YOU are - loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then...begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to just make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga

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10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship [Part-1]

1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! ***Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!***

2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/ different/ richer/ deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. ***Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!***

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga



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The Power to Create - Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships!

You have heard the excuses or even said them yourself. You know the ones like, " I want you to be happy", " I don't want to get hurt", or even "I don't want me or you to settle". The purpose of self-sabotage can sometimes appear to be even noble, that usually means trying to avoid the hurt & pain that comes with the joy & love in relationships. The purpose of self-sabotage can sometimes appear to be even noble, that usually means trying to avoid the hurt & pain that comes with the joy & love in relationships.

Sorry, folks, but all of the above goes hand in hand in relationships. Overcoming past hurts and even embarrassments takes a lot of inner strength because one has to deal with the truth about not only others, but themselves. Learn to be fair to yourself and to be fair to those you love and....that love you back. Beginning anew is not easy to do. So before venturing into the new, make sure you have a handle of the old. Be sure that you are ready to become involved in a relationship before you begin a new one. If you are already in a relationship and it's recognized by you or your significant other that you are pushing your loved one away, then seek out to discover how you can break the cycle of self-sabotage & begin the journey of self discovery. Recognize that you have the POWER TO CREATE. So what do you want to create for yourself, your relationship, your family? Want to exercise your POWER now? Here are some helpful tips to start you on your way to bringing anew :

1. Begin to journal. Writing down your thoughts and reflect monthly to recognize your progress of your healing process.

2. Talk to your significant other about what they see. Don't push if they don't feel comfortable or unable to give you any feedback. That's OK, and beginning the discussion will at least let your loved one know you care and want to be a better companion, person, etc. It can create a world of positive possibilities.

3. Recognize your own power in creating a happier, healthier you. Take ownership of your well- being and the well-being of your relationship.

4. Don't be shy, if needed or wanted, seek help from a trained professional. You should take care of your mental health and well-being like you do your physical health.

5. Above all else, try not to place a timeline on your healing process. The effort of overcoming years of pain and self-doubt takes time. The journey of self-discovery is a life journey.

Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Talena_C._Queen

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Clarifying Relationships [Part-2]

-Heavenly


Different Types Of Relationships:

[Friends With Benefits]- This is the type of relationship that is based on sex and really not much more. Two people have an understanding that they are not a couple..just friends...who have great sex together. They rarely (if ever) go out places together...just chill at either of their homes or a hotel room and have sex. This is the type of relationship many people would like to have but think that it is almost impossible to get so they pretend as if they want a more committed or more serious relationship because they think that is what they have to do to get sex on a regular basis. This is really not necessary...and why hurt another human being by tricking them into an empty relationship just so you can get regularly laid?? There are plenty of people who will gladly be in this type of relationship...as long as you be straight up and tell them what you want. People are often too scared to be honest with people about what they want, but as the saying goes "a closed mouth doesn't get fed"...how do expect something from someone if they don't even know you want it?...you can't.


[Dating]- When in this type of relationship there may be one or two other people that you may also be dating. At this point there is still no real commitment; this is really where you are trying to decide who you want to be in a committed relationship with. You might go on dates, just hang out with each other, and may or may not be having sex at this point, but it is understood between you and whoever else you may be dating that they are not the only one. You date people who you really enjoy and could potentially have a long lasting committed relationship with.

[Couple (semi-serious)]- This is a committed relationship!...and other people know that you have a significant other. You are only intimate with your partner and nobody else. Some people have what they call "open" relationships (if you can't tell...I'm not too fond of these but...) and that is fine as long as both of you are aware that is the case...do NOT try to be in a "one-sided open" relationship, where you are the only one allowed to be with other people because it is wrong and will always backfire on you!! Your partner may not have met everyone in your life but this is where you make sure the closest people to you (family and friends) know who your partner is and your partner should definitely be in the process of really being an important part in your life. You may or may not tell one another that you love each other yet...but it is clear that you care strongly for your partner and hope to have a long-term relationship with them.

[Serious Couple]-This is also a committed relationship...what makes this different from a semi-serious couple is that you may be living together and it also includes being engaged. Moving in with your partner is really a HUGE step, so it is imperative that you think long and hard about it as well as discussing with your partner the terms of you both living together...there are many things you will need to be clear on when making a move like this. At this point, your relationship normally has had its ups and downs but is stronger and you both are secure in your relationship....your relationship is pretty much solid(...solid as a rock! [lol]...) When you are a serious couple it should be no problem to tell your partner that you love them...your relationship at this point should be very comfortable for both of you...you should be able to talk to your partner about pretty much anything, fart around them, eat off each others plate, sleep together, know each others friends and family....things like that. Being a serious couple is like the step right before marriage...whether it is a "short step or a long step"...meaning just because it is the step before marriage does not mean marriage will have to come immediately..it may be years down the road..nevertheless, it IS the next step!
[Marriage]- This pretty much speaks for itself...marriage is a life long commitment...I know that nowadays it is not really viewed as such but that does NOT change the fact that marriage really is a sacred union to be respected and reserved for people in love. If you cheat on your partner at this point you are dead wrong!! Some married people have and "open" relationship...but when this is the case it is agreed upon beforehand by both of you....but open marriage or not...if you are not ready to make a life-long commitment to your partner to not propose or agree to get married...period!



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Fight Less, Love More

 

Learn how to curb relationship arguments with this excerpt from Laurie Puhn, J.D.’s new book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change a Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In”

Admit it, you've had a dumb argument with your partner. We all have. No more! To help you up your communication know-how, Harvard lawyer and couples mediator Laurie Puhn has written Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. As Puhn explains, “Many of my clients have these foolish disagreements with their partner but they don’t realize it until I point it out to them." Below, an excerpt of her book reveals two common types of arguments couples often have--and how to avoid them the healthy way.

1. The Dumb Premature Argument Hector and Maria live in an apartment but hope to buy a house someday. Every time they visit a friend who lives in a house, their drive home provides ample time for squabbling about whether they should buy a ranch-style home like the one Maria grew up in or a two-story colonial like the one Hector’s family had. They argue vehemently about the pros and cons of each style, but the silly thing is, they aren’t planning to move out of their apartment until their toddler is ready for kindergarten, at least 3 years from now. Even if they managed to argue their way to a decision now, in all likelihood they would have to reargue the same issue in 3 years anyway, because people’s preferences, incomes, and family situations change over time.
The Wise Tactic:
If the outcome of any argument can’t be acted upon for a long time, it’s a dumb premature argument. As much as you might want to voice your side now, you’ll only be wasting time and energy—and adding unnecessary conflict to your relationship. When you realize that you’re arguing about something that doesn’t need an immediate decision, it’s wise to short-circuit the fight by saying, “Why don’t we wait to have this discussion until we actually need to?” In the case of Hector and Maria, one of them simply needs to say, “Why are we wasting our time arguing about this now? Let’s make a pact not to debate our design preferences until we’re actually ready to buy a house!” This will give your partner the ability to retreat gracefully with a comment like “That’s a good idea. I don’t know why we started talking about this now anyway.”
2. The Dumb Factual Argument
My husband and I were driving to a 99¢ store to buy some party supplies. I mentioned, “You know, a lot of these so-called 99¢ stores charge more than 99¢ for many of the items they sell.”
“Not possible,” he said. “All 99¢ stores sell everything at that price. That’s why they’re called 99¢ stores.”
“That’s not true. You don’t know because you haven’t been to one. The 99¢ thing is just a way to get more people into the store,” I explained.
“Why would they call it a 99¢ store if it’s not one?” he shot back, still trying to convince me.
“Wait a minute,” I blurted out. “This is a dumb argument. We’re arguing about a fact. Why don’t we just hold on for 10 minutes, get to the store, and we’ll have our answer?” He agreed, so we shut our mouths and found the answer in the store. (I was right!).

The Wise Tactic:
Have you ever found yourself getting agitated because your partner says you’re wrong when you’re sure you’re right? Or have you found yourself trading “It’s true” and “No, it isn’t” until you’re both blue in the face? Those are all familiar set-up words for the dumb factual argument. Instead, when you are bickering about a fact like an address, a name, or a statistic, recognize this and say, “Hey, we’re arguing about a fact. Let’s just find out the information instead of fighting about it.” In less than 5 minutes, you’ll have your answer and avoid an argument over nothing.


-The 5-minute Conversation: Short-Circuit a Dumb Argument

1. Admit Your Error Switch gears as soon as you realize you shouldn’t have picked this foolish battle. Recognize that you are engaged in a premature argument or arguing about a fact, or any of the other common tiffs I discuss in my book Fight Less, Love More. Then, hold up your hands as if to surrender and admit your error with a simple comment that identifies why you’re having a dumb argument. For example, you could say, “Wait a second. I shouldn’t have said that. This is silly because we are having a dumb argument about something that’s a fact.”

2. No Buts About It If your mate doesn’t want to short-circuit the argument and tries to continue with a comment like “But just let me explain,” let him or her talk and then short-circuit the potential argument again by saying, “Well, that could be, but there’s no point in debating it.” Just keep up that response and your partner will eventually have to let the argument go.


Article Source:http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-communication

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