Joyful Solutions to Relationship Difficulties

By Laurie Moore, LMFT, CHT, PhD


Note: This article is for couples who have experienced love and compatibility but are having current challenges. This article is not for people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unable to be present due to addiction. Abuse and addiction situations require other kinds of counseling.

Couples with the compatibility and love needed for longevity will find themselves in uncomfortable quagmires at different times. This is due to the complexity of being human. When you look at the combination of factors included in a human (background, emotional temperament, unique characteristics, drives and yearnings, goals, genetic factors, view point, soul calling, karmic lessons) there is a lot going on. Put two people together and you have a rich design that is sometimes a puzzle. For this reason, couples may feel challenged within a very good relationship at times. No relationship is a custom-made combination of 100% fitting characteristics. The beauty of a relationship is that our harmonious sharings give us great warmth while our areas of difference can give rise to deeper compassion and love. A relationship that is challenged is an opportunity for clarifying intentions, learning new ways of harmonizing, and growing in compassion.

In today’s world, people are apt to give up on a good relationship because narcissism is at play. Opportunities for deeper growth, bonding and love can be missed when someone can only see the value of his or her own needs.

Therapy is a good way to find deeper union in the face of challenge. Therapy can teach you to listen more deeply to the expressions and yearnings of self and other. In this openness, emerging solutions to chronic problems may come about in surprising ways. Where once two people felt unsupported, depth of care may be found.

Relationship is a path of learning, compromise and gratitude. Couples who make gratitude more important than dissatisfaction are better at sustaining love and care when differences cause temporary disturbance. Couples who share a clear, positive intention for their relationship’s evolution are likely to return to happiness and harmony. Those who invest in making one another the “sick, bad, or wrong” one may not be any happier in the next relationship.

Gratitude and intention can be hard to remember when our equilibrium is being threatened. Good counseling is a way to receive support from a non-judgmental party who can help both members of the couple to expand into new viewpoints.

When one sees differently, it becomes easier to support the health of both involved.

Remember there are always two sides to each situation. When we step outside of an attachment to making one view point better than another, we see that both our partner and ourself carry valid needs and experiences. From this deeper listening we can find the way back to peace.

Often our lack of peace is the result of old hurts (our own, our collective society’s, or our ancestors’ which we may inherit genetically). When a skilled therapist assists us with transforming these hurts over time, we approach our relationship differently. Where once we felt trapped and stuck, now we might flow creatively.

To begin healing immediately take some time to reflect upon what you are thankful to your partner about. Let him or her know. Clarify to yourself, what you are seeking with your partner in most simple terms. For example, I desire and intend to return to a state of ease and mutual acceptance with my partner.

Look honestly to see if you might be carrying old hurts around with you. Might these hurts be affecting your ability to respond to a current situation with workability? Are you able to practice what you are looking for in the relationship yourself, or is undigested pain in the way? If yes, are you willing to get help for your side of the problem? Couples who each attend individual counseling as well as couples’ counseling tend to do better with altering conflict.

Ask yourself if you would be willing to release a view point or habitual emotional habit that is impeding your own goal for the relationship. Share all of the suggestions listed with your partner after you try them out yourself. Share the affects you experience from trying out these methods also. Invite your partner along for the rewarding journey. Find out if she or he is also ready and willing to do his or her work so that both of you may benefit.

While it is true that some people simply are not compatible, many give up before their greatest potential is reached. I invite you to look deeply into yourself with the help of an experienced counselor before leaving a relationship. Whether you stay or go, you are being given an opportunity to learn something precious which can stay with you forever. Once you find what you are looking for, you may also find that your mate is ideal for you after all! I have seen this happen many times, both while sitting in the counselor’s chair, and in the opportunities of my own life.


Article Source:http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/



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Unhealthy Relationship Signs and How to Fix Them

An unhealthy relationship can break you down. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you have two choices. You can either fix it or end the relationship. When you’re not happy, every part of you suffers. An unhealthy relationship can make you a physical and emotional wreck.

So how do you turn your unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship? There are strategies you can use to make your relationship work. You will need to work through any conflicting issues with your partner.





Money - The Root Of All Evil?
Money arguments can turn the healthiest relationship into a battlefield of arguments. Some of the main reasons why money causes frictions in relationships are because; one partner earns more than the other, bills, bills and more bills, lack of money and overspending. The one earning the most may feel resentment towards their partner because they take care of most of the expenditures. They may use that power to control the spending habits of the household. When there’s not enough money coming in to pay the bills, it causes tensions. Or if you have a spender living with a saver, the spender will be criticized for wasting money.

Instead of arguing, find a solution. Don’t throw blame around because it only adds to the problem. Sit down together, work out a budget and make a list of priorities. Part of the budget should include some money for the two of you to spend some regular quality time together. It could be a trip to the cinema, enjoying an affordable meal at a local resturant or just sharing a bottle of wine and watching a DVD at home. You should decide how often you can afford to treat yourselves.

Love Makes The World Go Round
The intense passion, excitement, can’t get enough of you, butterflies in the stomach feelings you get when you first fall in love don’t last. When that feeling fades, the rose tinted glasses comes off as well. You realise that you’re not intoxicated by love anymore. You’re just a normal everyday couple and love doesn’t feel like it used to. Routines may replace spontaneity. Passion has taken a back seat and you hardly talk to each other, your man hugs you like you’re his sister and the words ‘I love you’ are hardly mentioned. So how can you make your love candle burn again?

Compliment and praise each other often. Cook a lovely candlelit dinner once a week or month. Go away for romantic weekends. Watch comedy films that will make you both laugh. Mutual laughter keeps your relationship exciting. It triggers endorphines which makes you feel happy. Be like little kids again and do silly things like tickling each other. Get rid of stress and have playful pillow fights. Take long, leisurely walks in the park together. Hold hands when you walk down the road. Try to remember why you fell in love with each other and recapture some of those magical feelings.
Kiss and hug your man every day and tell him that you love him. A friend of mine told me that since she started doing that, her relationship has done a 90 degree turn around. It also boosted their sex life. Bring back some fun into your relationship.

You Argue About Anything and Everything
Arguing is not all bad. It’s normal to have different points of views. The only couples who don’t argue are the perfect couples. Unfortunately, they don’t exist. If you’re always arguing, have you both tried to find out what the problem is or do you just argue back? Ignoring the problem will not make it go away either. A male friend told me that every evening after work; he would go home to a messy house to find his girlfriend entertaining her friends. He told her for months that he wasn’t happy and tried to sort things out with her. But instead of listening or compromising, she carried on doing what she was doing. His resentment at her attitude turned into daily arguments. The relationship eventually ended.

Arguments can be solved. Never go to bed angry . It takes two to argue. Calm down! Go for a walk or leave the room for a while. Actively listen to each other’s explanation without interrupting. Tell him why you’re upset and how you feel. Don’t scream or shout. Talk about what you can both do to solve the problem that’s causing the arguments. Compromise if you have to. If the two of you can’t find a solution, you may need to see a relationship coach or get some professional counselling.

Help! Sex Life Needs a BoostWhen the relationship’s fresh you can’t get enough of each other. But after a while, things can get boring in the bedroom. You feel like it’s the same old, same old stuff. He doesn’t excite you anymore. Do you force yourself to be in the mood sometimes? Do you lie there wishing he would hurry up so that you can go to sleep? So, what are you going to do to revive your sex life?

Just because you’ve been together for a while doesn’t mean your sex life has to be boring. You are the woman. You have the power to ignite some new fire in the bedroom. Take him to La Senza and get him to buy you some sexy lingerie. Wear them for him. Why confine sex to the bedroom? Try different rooms in the house or better still, book into a hotel room for a night of passion. Pretend that you’re new lovers – Mr & Mrs Smith. Light some perfumed candles and put them around the bathroom. Take warm baths together. Put some romantic, smoochy music on, turn the lights down low and slow dance with your man. Spend time kissing and caressing each other before making love. These are just some of the things you can do to spice up your sex life and maintain a healthy relationship.


You Don’t Spend Quality Time Together
In the beginning people thought he was your Siamese twin. Wherever you went he would be there beside you. He couldn’t get enough of your company. He even ignored his best friend to be with you. Now you feel like you have to book an appointment to see him. Your man finishes work and instead of coming home he goes out with his friends. At weekends he always find excuses to meet up with them. You start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. What happened to those wonderful quality times you used to share together?

Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with you. If he points out that there’s a problem in the relationship, work it out together. If you want to get close to him again, plan to spend good quality time together. Visit the theatre, go bowling, go away for weekends, or drive down to the coast together. Still allow him ‘his time‘ with his friends, but make sure you spend quality time together. Most importantly though, talk to each other.

Keeping a healthy relationship means you have to show love and support to your partner. Communicate with each other. Surprise your man sometimes. Put love notes in his lunch box, work briefcase, trousers or shirt pockets for him to find when he’s not at home. Keep the passion alive. It will strengthen your love for each other.


Article Source:http://www.miraculousladies.com/relationships/unhealthy-relationship-signs-and-how-to-fix-them/



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Couples: From Fight or Flight to Partnership

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How to Resolve Trust Issues in a Relationship

Nobody likes to be fighting with a loved one, but a loss of trust causes serious problems. Trust issues are hard to overcome and often keep popping up. You and your partner must resolve your trust issues if you are to move toward a more healthy relationship.

Instructions:

Talk it out. This seems obvious, but when two people in a relationship talk, it helps if the couple trusts each other. Building trust can be especially hard with someone you're in a relationship with because that person has the power to hurt you. By practicing constant communication and keeping it open and honest, trust can be slowly built, or rebuilt.

Forget the past. Don't hold on to old hurts. Everyone's been hurt, and you need to work through those issues, not hold on to them and shove them in the other person's face. This will only make things worse, and it won't resolve anything. The important thing is to not dwell on the things that happened.

Focus on the present. Don't let your mind think about the bad things that could happen. When you focus on what could be, you're heading down a road that destroys trust. Banish negative thoughts and think about what IS happening, not what could happen.

Take it slowly. Take your relationship day by day and communicate daily as well. Don't expect all of your walls to come crumbling down overnight--it takes work, and time.

Article Source:http://www.ehow.com/how_2314162_resolve-trust-issues-relationship.html



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Quote Of The Week: Dawn M. Williams

"Conflict is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. The way in which differences are resolved (or not) is a more accurate measure of stability. "

 -Dawn M. Williams



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Fight Less, Love More

 

Learn how to curb relationship arguments with this excerpt from Laurie Puhn, J.D.’s new book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5 Minute Conversations to Change a Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In”

Admit it, you've had a dumb argument with your partner. We all have. No more! To help you up your communication know-how, Harvard lawyer and couples mediator Laurie Puhn has written Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In. As Puhn explains, “Many of my clients have these foolish disagreements with their partner but they don’t realize it until I point it out to them." Below, an excerpt of her book reveals two common types of arguments couples often have--and how to avoid them the healthy way.

1. The Dumb Premature Argument Hector and Maria live in an apartment but hope to buy a house someday. Every time they visit a friend who lives in a house, their drive home provides ample time for squabbling about whether they should buy a ranch-style home like the one Maria grew up in or a two-story colonial like the one Hector’s family had. They argue vehemently about the pros and cons of each style, but the silly thing is, they aren’t planning to move out of their apartment until their toddler is ready for kindergarten, at least 3 years from now. Even if they managed to argue their way to a decision now, in all likelihood they would have to reargue the same issue in 3 years anyway, because people’s preferences, incomes, and family situations change over time.
The Wise Tactic:
If the outcome of any argument can’t be acted upon for a long time, it’s a dumb premature argument. As much as you might want to voice your side now, you’ll only be wasting time and energy—and adding unnecessary conflict to your relationship. When you realize that you’re arguing about something that doesn’t need an immediate decision, it’s wise to short-circuit the fight by saying, “Why don’t we wait to have this discussion until we actually need to?” In the case of Hector and Maria, one of them simply needs to say, “Why are we wasting our time arguing about this now? Let’s make a pact not to debate our design preferences until we’re actually ready to buy a house!” This will give your partner the ability to retreat gracefully with a comment like “That’s a good idea. I don’t know why we started talking about this now anyway.”
2. The Dumb Factual Argument
My husband and I were driving to a 99¢ store to buy some party supplies. I mentioned, “You know, a lot of these so-called 99¢ stores charge more than 99¢ for many of the items they sell.”
“Not possible,” he said. “All 99¢ stores sell everything at that price. That’s why they’re called 99¢ stores.”
“That’s not true. You don’t know because you haven’t been to one. The 99¢ thing is just a way to get more people into the store,” I explained.
“Why would they call it a 99¢ store if it’s not one?” he shot back, still trying to convince me.
“Wait a minute,” I blurted out. “This is a dumb argument. We’re arguing about a fact. Why don’t we just hold on for 10 minutes, get to the store, and we’ll have our answer?” He agreed, so we shut our mouths and found the answer in the store. (I was right!).

The Wise Tactic:
Have you ever found yourself getting agitated because your partner says you’re wrong when you’re sure you’re right? Or have you found yourself trading “It’s true” and “No, it isn’t” until you’re both blue in the face? Those are all familiar set-up words for the dumb factual argument. Instead, when you are bickering about a fact like an address, a name, or a statistic, recognize this and say, “Hey, we’re arguing about a fact. Let’s just find out the information instead of fighting about it.” In less than 5 minutes, you’ll have your answer and avoid an argument over nothing.


-The 5-minute Conversation: Short-Circuit a Dumb Argument

1. Admit Your Error Switch gears as soon as you realize you shouldn’t have picked this foolish battle. Recognize that you are engaged in a premature argument or arguing about a fact, or any of the other common tiffs I discuss in my book Fight Less, Love More. Then, hold up your hands as if to surrender and admit your error with a simple comment that identifies why you’re having a dumb argument. For example, you could say, “Wait a second. I shouldn’t have said that. This is silly because we are having a dumb argument about something that’s a fact.”

2. No Buts About It If your mate doesn’t want to short-circuit the argument and tries to continue with a comment like “But just let me explain,” let him or her talk and then short-circuit the potential argument again by saying, “Well, that could be, but there’s no point in debating it.” Just keep up that response and your partner will eventually have to let the argument go.


Article Source:http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/relationship-communication

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