Couples Living Together Need A Plan For Finances

BOSTON (CBS) – The PC term is cohabitation. Many more couples are trying this approach before marriage and in some instances instead of marriage. Over 8 million couples live together. That number may be low due to the fact people often lie to the census taker.

So how does what’s yours, mine and ours work here? This is not going to be a romantic segment! Grab a pad, pencil and your calculator to help.

You need to treat the finances just as if you were two strangers about to become roommates. Talk about the expenses upfront before your friends start carrying the boxes in and if you are willing take it one step further; put everything in writing. Create a cohabitation agreement. You’re dealing with a roommate, one you’re romantically involved with, but they’re still a roommate.

1. Keep your finances separate. Do not open a joint checking account and do not put each other’s names on your credit cards as a user. And think twice about co-signing loans for each other. Share the basic household expenses like the rent, mortgage and utilities.
2. You need to have a clear understanding about what’s expected of each of you. Make a list of the joint expenses and who will be responsible for them. Whose name will be on the electric bill? The water bill? When you sign a lease you may have to do that jointly unless one of you moves into an established situation. Who is going to be responsible for paying the bills?
3. Credit Cards:  Don’t mess with each other’s credit. It could come back to bite you in the butt. Each of you is responsible for your own credit card bills. You want to keep your credit histories separate.
4. Insurance:  If you are renting you both should have renter’s insurance to cover your belongings.
5. Discretionary Expenses:  Food and alcohol. Gets sticky here and again communication is key. Is one of you a gourmet cook and the other content with a can of tomato soup and a grilled cheese? If he likes beer while he watches the game on the weekend then that falls under his expenses. If you drink beer with him or your friends do then that is a joint expense. If his friends come over for a party and you are away it’s his expense.
6. If you buy any large pieces of furniture together who gets them if you split up? Does one of you buy the washer and the other the dryer? Discuss ownership issues before you need to.

One more thing:  According to a recent study when unmarried couples who have been living together part company, women are substantially worse off economically than the men. A man’s household income drops by 10%, a woman’s by 33%. Sounds a lot like the statistics of a divorce. According to the Census Bureau, more than 40% of American women under the age of 45 have lived unmarried with a male partner at some point in their lives..….
 

You can hear Dee Lee’s expert financial advice on WBZ News Radio 1030 each weekday at 1:55 p.m., 3:55 p.m., and 7:55 p.m.

Subscribe to Dee’s Money Matters newsletter here.

Article Source: http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/06/07/couples-living-together-need-a-plan-for-finances/


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Top 5 Bad Relationship Habits To Cut Out In 2012

 It’s a New Year beauties and if you are reading this, you are blessed to have made it to 2012. Some of us welcomed in the New Year with a kiss from our beloved, some of us with champagne toasts and glittery accessories but a handful of us beauties brought in the New Year miserable. We do it every year, we manage to cut off or be cut off by that someone who we were kickin’ it with and end up in the same emotional state we were in prior to this person entering our lives. I always compare this to the feeling you get when a dress you buy at final sale is seen somewhere else at a cheaper price- defeat!

I can’t pull Idris Elba out of my pocket and give him to you nor can I pull a huge engagement ring out the sky and place it on your finger. What I can give you are a few pointers that will help you ease into your next romantic encounter with a little more emotionally-sound ammo, the rest of the story is written by you.

Here are 5 bad relationship habits to cut out in 2012:

 

Making Assumptions: Admittedly I’m an over thinker. I will spin a story so real in my head that I have to question my sanity at times. For the sake of your romantic future, ask questions, and leave estimations up to scientists.

 

Believing You Are Not Worthy of Love: I’m amazed at how many women are still “ok” with settling for half-assed relationships. Know your worth, and save yourself the heartache by knowing when to exit an experience that is not bringing out the best in you.

 

Comparing Your Experience to Your Friends’ Relationships: So you’re the last in the crew to get chose. Girl please,  allow your friend’s big news to enhance your outlook on love and not be step by step instructions or a threat to your individual love experience.

 

Sabotaging Your Potential for Love: I am the pickiest mofo on earth but I can tell you that every one of my shallow “must-haves” have gone out the window with my current beau. Focus on shared values being the deciding factor as opposed to the “Disney Land” idea of the “perfect mate”. 

 

Lying To Yourself: Just like we set goals for our careers I always encourage my people to set goals for love. Many relationships fail to move past a certain stage because both parties have no idea what they really want or they do but have conflicting views of what the relationship should be. Are you looking for a commitment? Is light and casual working for you? Are you interested in serial dating? State your intentions and be about it, avoid getting caught up with partners who have snake charmed their way into your heart but have no desire for a commitment- That’s some 2011 bull!

I’m excited for this year and all of you. I know for a fact that whether or not you have found love, you want to enhance your experience as well as become stronger in your ability to give and receive it. We here!

 Article Source: http://hellobeautiful.com/sex-love/lipstick-wisdom/telishang/top-5-bad-relationship-habits-to-cut-out-in-2012/


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4 Things Never To Say To Your Partner

 

 We say a lot of regrettable things in the heat of an argument or when we’re feeling frustrated, but certain things are much more hurtful than others -- and cause more trouble than they’re worth. Here are four things you should avoid saying in your relationship, even if you’re really angry.

We never do anything fun anymore.

This statement implies that your unhappiness and boredom is his fault, which really isn't fair. If you want to go out or plan a trip, you're more than capable of taking action. A relationship rut is rarely one person's fault; it takes two to let the excitement slip away. Rather than making him feel like he's failed in some way, discuss the fact that you think it's time the two of you did something fun together. Go out to dinner and talk about some things you can do to spice up the relationship. Plan a vacation, take a road trip or incorporate some new activities into your weekend plans.

If you loved me, you would.

This is a manipulative move that puts your partner on the spot. Chances are there's a lot more to the situation than whether he loves you, but giving him an ultimatum leaves very little room for discussion. No one in a relationship should feel pressured to make split decisions or do uncomfortable things. Don't do this to your man just to get your way.

Your mom/sister/aunt is crazy.

Even if his mom drives you nuts or his aunt's nagging makes you want to throw yourself off a bridge, keep your feelings about his family to yourself. He may think the same thing, but only he is allowed to comment. Think about how you would feel if he insulted your mother: You probably wouldn't be impressed. Rather than start a fight about the woman who brought him into this world, just stay quiet. It's better than saying something you can't take back.

Your friends are idiots.

His friends might indeed be idiots, but they're his friends, and he loves them. Some playful teasing is fine, but offending people he holds in high regard could make him justifiably upset. You don't have to hang out with all of the people he does, so just don't spend time with the people who bother you.

Article Source: http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/826547/4-things-never-to-say-to-your-partner


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Top 10 Ways to Show Your Love

There are many ways to show your love, some of which aren’t material. Although, material objects of affection are wonderful and always welcome.

Everyone loves to receive gifts, but you can show your love and devotion in ways that don’t cost money but require your time and effort.

The top ten ways to show your love include:

10. Offer muscle therapy

A back rub and a foot rub is a winning way to show someone that you love hem. You do not have to be a professional masseuse to be effective at this. Get out some lotion and oil and go to work. If your loved one is tired and achy he or she is going to love this.
9. Give sparkly things

Love can’t be bought, but jewelry is always good. Jewelry can become a symbol of your love. Think about getting your wife or loved one a charm bracelet that features charms that are a direct reflection of her life and her interests. Your gift of jewelry doesn’t have to cost a king’s ransom, although hardly any woman is going to say no to a diamond band; it is the thought that counts. Buy her something that you know she’ll love. If she likes Native American turquoise jewelry or Art Deco opt for that. Earrings, necklaces, pendants, broaches, wristwatches and bracelets are lovely gifts to give to someone you adore.
8. Make it extra thoughtful

If your loved one really loves going to the theatre, for example, buy tickets and surprise her. If she is stressed out and overwrought get her a gift certificate to a spa. Pampering someone and surprising them with something they thoroughly enjoy is a great way to show someone how much you love and care about them.
7. Offer your services

Mow someone’s lawn who can’t mow it themselves. Offer to perform minor maintenance of appliances: replace a vacuum cleaner belt or find what you need in a garden supply store and get the riding mower running in top condition. Go to the grocery store for someone who is housebound. Fix a meal and deliver it. Babysit so that mom and dad can have some time alone and away from their charges. It’s the little things that you do that mean the most to people and that show them how much you care.
6. Say it

Take the time to make that phone call or send that email or snail mail to someone whom you love but haven’t connected with in a while. It doesn’t have to be much. A few words can be magic to someone who needs to know they are still thought of and loved.
5. Don’t suffocate

Don’t suffocate your loved ones. Give them some space. They will return to you – and not because they have to, but because they want to.
4. Make loyalty a priority

Support your loved ones through thick and thin and let them know you have their back. Life gets messy and it’s not always smooth sailing out there. There are going to be times when someone you love does something so incredibly stupid and embarrassing and maybe even scandalous that it would be easy to walk away and cut all ties. Don’t. Let them know you love them no matter what. This doesn’t mean that you have to fix it for them.
3. Practice active listening

Set aside time exclusively reserved and uninterrupted for your loved one, whether it’s your spouse, your child, grandchild, neighbor or your favorite postman that you adore and know is going through a hard time. Giving your undivided attention and listening can mean more to someone than anything else that you have to offer. This doesn’t cost you a thing.

2. Model loving behavior

Take care of your elderly loved ones. Yes, your parents and grandparents can be a handful in their twilight years, but you were a handful once, too. Spend as much time as possible with the seniors in your life. Their time is limited as is your time with them. You may find that you are finally able to establish an actual friendly and reciprocal adult relationship with your parents, which is the kind of relationship that has eluded you throughout your lifetime. Yes, it’s hard and time-consuming and inconvenient to be a caretaker, even a part time one, but the love that you are showing by being there for your parents will be eternally remembered by them. P.S. You are setting a good example for your own children. When your time comes hopefully they will remember how you treated your parents in their time of need.

1. Say it

Telling someone you love them is the # 1 way to show them how much you care. It’s simple. Say it: I LOVE YOU. More importantly, you have to mean it. Not only talk the talk but walk the walk. You can’t truly love someone and then treat them abominably or neglectfully. There is no better gift than sincere love and the genuine actions that occur as a result.


 Article Source: http://www.catalogs.com/info/bestof/top-10-ways-to-show-your-love


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Relationship Rehab: 12 Steps To Becoming A Happier Couple In 2012

By Natalie Gontcharova

Your 12-step program to a better, healthier relationship.

What's your New Year's resolution for 2012? To exercise more? To be more productive? We bet "a more honest and open relationship" isn't on many of your lists. That's because tons of people put their relationships on autopilot, hoping the kinks will just work themselves out — and then they argue each and every day, and end up resenting each other. The best way to have a happy relationship is to keep working on it, so even if you're not currently in a relationship rut, follow these 12 tips from our staff and you'll keep being happy.

1. Say "please" and "thank you." This shows your partner you appreciate them and keeps you from taking each other for granted. 

2. Grab your partner's butt every day (or at least every other day).

3. Kiss every morning!

4. Say "good morning" every morning.

5. Cuddle.

6. Spend at least one night a week with your significant other and family/friends, i.e. don't hole up all by yourselves.

7. Use baby talk/pet names very sparingly. If you overuse these, you could damage your relationship since you won't be able to relate to each other seriously.

8. DO THE DISHES. Set up some type of system for who does them when.

9. Practice listening.

10. Practice honesty, even when it's uncomfortable.

11. If you and your partner are indecisive about where to eat or what movie to watch, play the "5-3-1" game. One person names five choices, the other vetoes two of them, and then the first person eliminates the remaining two. Ta-da, no more "Where you do want to eat?" "I don't care, what do you want to do?" (From 8 Relationship Tricks Happy Couples Use)

12. If you live together, make sure you each still have your own private space where you can retreat to work, think, or partake in bizarre grooming rituals that the other person wouldn't want to see.

Article Source:http://www.yourtango.com/2012130043/10-steps-happier-relationship-2012


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3 Cheap, Last-Minute Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day

 By ModernMom Staff

If money is tight this year, spending a fortune on V-day gifts is totally unrealistic. You shouldn't have to break the bank when choosing a gift for your man, and likewise, he doesn't need to empty out his wallet to get you roses, diamonds or an expensive dinner. Here are a few creative ways to spend Valentine's Day that won't make you cringe as you fork over that hard-earned cash.

1. Pamper Your Partner

So what if you can't afford that spa day? Try creating a spa at home! Grab some sensual oils and start massaging your man. Then, light some scented candles, open up a bottle of red wine and slip into a bubble bath together. Relax and enjoy each other.

2. Picnic at Home

If set-priced restaurants on Valentine's Day turn you off, then try a romantic dinner at home. We all know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, so try to cook his favorite meal. Even if you've never made it before and it doesn't come out perfect, he will appreciate the effort! Instead of eating at the dinner table, throw down a comfy blanket and dine on the floor for a romantic change -- maybe even near a roaring fire. Use elegant dinner plates so it doesn't feel cheesy. Chill some champagne, serve strawberries to bring out the champagne's flavor and you're in for a memorable night.

3. Surprise Him with Sexy Lingerie

Another way to a man's heart (well, maybe not his heart per say) is with S-E-X. Yes, he's probably expecting it on V-Day, but what he won't be expecting is a new piece of lingerie that makes you look and feel sexier than ever. That will definitely get the motor running. Also, try to make the night about him for a change. Spend more time on his needs and yes, that might mean doing that thing he loves. He'll feel like the luckiest man alive, believe me.

 Article Source:http://www.modernmom.com/article/3-cheap-last-minute-ways-to-celebrate-valentine-s-day



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Will Smith Gives Good Relationship Advice

 After being married for 13 years to wife Jada Pinkett-Smith, actor Will Smith seems like he would be a good person to sit down and talk with about how to make a healthy marriage work. He recently spoke with Essence about relationships, schooling us on not only love and marriage, but what men need to be happy. He says that every man wants to marry their “homie,” avoid nagging by direct affection, give your man a little space, and keep things mysterious:

If You Marry Your Best Friend, You’re Good 

Every man wants to marry his homie, Will explained. A lot of women will impress them, but it’s the one they can always laugh with and be themselves with that will ultimately impress them the most. If you can be yourselves around each other, 100 percent of the time, and they can make you life like no one else can, you’ll never have a dull moment together.  

Remind Him of What He Has 

When you start to feel that you’re nagging your husband to the point of no return and nothing you’re saying is getting through, Will suggests you try a new approach. Hold him close, look him right in the eyes, and tell him that you love him, you’re right there, and you always will be, BUT you need him to pick his socks up – right now.  As Will puts it, it’s important to remind him that your request is coming from a good place, and what you want is a small thing in the grand scheme of things. Um, genius!  

All Men Need A Little Space 

“If you don’t give your husband thirty minutes to himself when he first gets home he’ll stop coming home,” Will told me, straight up. (You’re thinking, no way, right? I did too!) When I asked Will when a wife was supposed to say her piece, he responded, “anytime after that.” Will reminded me that everyone’s home needs to feel like a happy place, and it won’t if you’re “greeted with negativity” every time you enter the door. Touché Will. Talk about a pause for the cause.  

Focus on Balance and Excitement Always According to Will and Jada’s way of thinking about marriage, maintaining a happy union isn’t just about making time for one another, it’s about making the time count too. Excitement and mystery are everything, he said. Surprise them, let them know you love them, laugh together – whatever it takes to put a smile on their face.

Article Source: http://necolebitchie.com/2011/06/21/will-smith-offers-relationship-advice-marry-your-best-friend/

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Don’t Spend Thanksgiving Alone!

Are you planning on spending the Thanksgiving holiday on your own? Many people find that they just aren't in the right emotional place to spend the holidays with others. They haven't gotten to know any online matches well enough to spend a holiday with them. They don't want to endure another family get together in which well-intentioned relations ask about the status of their personal lives. And they have friends but planning a Thanksgiving dinner just sounds too tiring to be worked out.

That's okay. It's nice to spend Thanksgiving with family and friends but it's not the only option. And staying home alone with a microwave turkey dinner isn't the only alternative. You can go out into the world and make connections to be thankful for without having to deal with the intensity and pressure of new relationships, old family members and overwhelming friends.

Consider just spending a day out and about in your town. Somewhere in the city, other people are milling about. Visit a local park. Find a coffee shop that you've never been to which didn't close for the holiday and hang out there for a few hours. Seek out an event that's happening during the holiday. You aren't the only one who doesn't have specific plans; seek out others who are in the same boat. You can converse with them or simply wish them a Happy Thanksgiving, giving a fix to your need to socialize without causing your emotions to go into overdrive.


Article Source:http://www.dating-weblog.com/50226711/dont_spend_thanksgiving_alone.php


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Couples Halloween Costume Ideas: Best For 2011

Homer Simpson & Marge Simpson (DIY Playboy Bunny Marge - Did you know Marge was on the cover of Playboy!)

Mary Ann & Gilligan (Gilligan's Island tv show. Goofy, funny Gilligan and hot little farm gal Mary Ann)

Skipper & Ginger

Mr. & Mrs. Howell

Popeye & Olive Oyl (Family affair - You could take a baby Sweet Pea!)

Mr. & Mrs. Incredible

Gothic Vampire & Vampire

Fred & Wilma Flinstone

Barney & Betty Rubble

Pebbles & Bamm Bamm

Alice in Wonderland & the Mad Hatter

Gangster & Flapper Girl

Dog Bounty Hunter & Wife Beth

George & Jane Jetson

Sexy College Chick & Nerdy Professor

Hugh Hefner & Playboy Bunny of your choice

Mario & Luigi

Bowling Ball & Pin

Ketchup & Mustard

Toothbrush & Toothpaste (Perfect for the dentist out there!)

Statue of Liberty & Abe Lincoln

President Obama & First Lady Michelle

Tom & Jerry (cat and mouse)

Sylvester & Tweety

Snoopy & Woodstock

Bert & Ernie from Sesame Street

Ace & Gary (Saturday Night Live duo)

Lady Ga Ga Bubble Dress & Michael Jackson (Or Lady Gaga Space Costume & Lady Gaga Hair 

Button Hat DIY)

Sponge Bob & Patrick

Sunflower & LadyBug

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head

M & M Candies - Different colors..."They melt in your mouth, not in your hands!"

Lewis & Clark (Or for straight couples Lewis or Clark with Sacajawea)

Queen & King of Hearts

Captain Jack Sparrow & a Hot Pirate Wench (Pirates of the Caribbean theme)

Snow White & any of the 7 Dwarfs: Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Happy, or Grumpy

Robin Hood & Maid Marian

Shrek & Fiona

Hansel & Gretel

Raggedy Ann & Andy

Pooh Bear & Piglet or Tigger (Would be great for parents & have little piglet as baby/child too)

Rhett Butler & Scarlet O'Hara (Romantic, Gone with the Wind)

Thelma & Louise

Kanye West and Taylor Swift

Article Source:http://www.bukisa.com/articles/351562_couples-halloween-costume-ideas-best-for-2010

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How to Keep the Peace Between Opposite Sex Friends and Significant Others

By Shamontiel

My godfather has been my mother's best friend since they were eight years old, and they are still best friends today. My father (and my mother's husband) accepts their friendship. My paternal grandfather and my godfather are also pretty cool. Of course, my maternal family knows him and they're cool with him as well. My father is a deacon, and is in constant communication with female members of his church. Again, platonic friends. Being around parents who have a mutual understanding that they can have friends of the opposite sex, it floored me to date a guy who pretty much wanted me to abandon the few male friends that I have.

Boyfriend started off pretty cool. We hung out regularly, talked on the phone daily, and could chat about anything. I thought this was the perfect relationship (and being as commitment phobic as I am, that's pretty big) up until one day when I told him a male friend of mine was going to come by and see my new apartment. I'd never seen someone change their whole personality so quickly. For the rest of that week, I heard constant spiteful comments about how my "date" was coming on Saturday. The day that one of my male friends came by, Boyfriend called from an unidentified number and hung up on my answering machine. The next day, he bombarded me with questions about what time did Friend get there, what time did Friend leave, and what did Friend and I do while we were hanging out. I almost felt like I was in an interrogation room. Considering that I'm not the jealous type, I didn't understand his frustration nor do I to this day. From that relationship, I learned some very valuable lessons.

Lesson Number One: If you're going to be in a relationship with a jealous person, make sure that you introduce him to your friends. He may feel more comfortable if he knows who your other friends are instead of a mysterious friend showing up out of the clear blue sky. On my living room wall, I have several pictures of guy friends I've had over the years. Thinking that was hint enough that I hang with guys more than women, I assumed Boyfriend would understand. Although Friend and I had been tight for 10 years, it didn't occur to me to introduce Boyfriend to Friend because I didn't think it was a big deal, but afterwards, it seemed like a reasonable thing to do.
 

Lesson Number Two: To avoid possible accusations that you and your opposite sex friend are messing around, try to include your significant other in hanging out. Even better, if Friend is involved with someone, invite him/her along too. Double dates aren't really my thing, but it keeps the peace and again isn't unreasonable. It also gives Friend and Boyfriend the opportunity to bond. I see my godfather and father hang out, laugh, and chill when he comes into town to visit. My godfather even stood in my parents' wedding. Had my father and my godfather not gotten along, that would've never happened.

 
Lesson Number Three: Set a time limit on when your opposite sex friends can call. I'm a serious night owl and my guy friends know it. I was once on the phone with Boyfriend, and another guy friend from college called me pretty late at night. I answered my cell phone while I was on the house phone with Boyfriend, and Boyfriend could hear my whole conversation. I didn't put him on hold or the phone on mute because the conversation was brief and friendly, plus I had nothing to hide. Boyfriend misinterpreted the conversation as some type of booty call. Where he got that idea, I have no clue, but that was when I started to realize he was slightly possessive. After ignoring his rants for a few minutes with yawns and changing the subject, I finally got him to admit that he felt it was odd that another guy would call me so late. Even as a night owl like me, he still found it fishy. I shrugged and told my guy friends to try to call me at a more reasonable time, say before 10 p.m. 

Lesson Number Four: If your opposite sex friend does call, please ask Friend to introduce himself to Boyfriend. I learned that the hard way with my godfather's wife. I called his house one day and asked to speak to him. Now mind you, when I was younger, this was never an issue. But as a young lady grows, her voice becomes more mature. My godfather's wife hissed about me stating my identity and when I told her who I was, she complained about how I could've spoken to her before asking for my godfather. At the time, I didn't understand the harm, but had she spoken to me in a calmer tone, I'd have understood why it is important to keep the significant other at ease. How much effort does it take to say "Hey ____________, this is ____________. How are you doing? Can I speak to _________________?" This way, the Significant Other knows who is calling on the phone for their Significant Other, and it could possibly keep Friend and Significant Other at ease.
 
Lesson Number Five: If Significant Other wants you to give up your friends now that he or she is in the picture, personally I don't feel this is justifiable. Friend could've been there before your relationship started and will be there if/when your relationship ends. Even when my godfather's wife had an issue with me calling and not speaking to her, he didn't stop being friends with my mother nor did the relationship between us become any less tight. His wife accepted that, and although she and I are not in communication now, the bond stayed the same. To give up a true friendship for someone else's insecurities is not only unfair to that Friend, but it's not fair to yourself. Friendships are few and far between, and if you luck out enough to find a genuine friend, don't let that person go. If you are faced with an ultimatum like this, ask your Significant Other if they like you for you. If they do, then they should be able to accept the package that comes with you, friends included. And if they don't, then Significant Other needs to be with someone just like him/her. There are those who enjoy Significant Others who should have side jobs as police officers, and then there are those like me who don't have the time nor patience to humor someone else's jealousy and insecurities. Walk to your door, open it, and kindly let Significant Other walk out. After all that explaining, it's really not worth the trouble. Hell, if you're lucky, Friend will introduce you to someone less psychotic.

Article Source: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/292048/how_to_keep_the_peace_between_opposite_pg3.html?cat=41



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31 Date Ideas That Are Perfect for Fall!

by Kim Fusaro

Whether you need first date ideas for a rendezvous with your crush or just want to do ANYTHING but dinner and a movie with your steady guy, I think you'll find this list of 31 fall-friendly dates inspiring!

Host an outdoor dinner party for two!

Get lost in a corn maze! (It's scarier than you think!)

Build a fort and snack on indoor S'mores!

Play two-man video games at the arcade! (The more old-school, the better!)

Jump in piles of fallen leaves!

Take a brewery tour and sample yummy beers!

Choose three cheeses you've both never tried and make a yummy cheese plate. (Don't forget the wine!)

Pick out a fun kit from a hobby shop (model race car! mini air plane!) and build it together.

Take a ride on a rented bicycle built for two!

Play an old-school board game!

Carve pumpkins!

Take a sight-seeing tour—on public transportation!

Play laser tag!

Ask a psychic what your futures hold!

Instead of a fancy-pants high-pressure dinner, meet for breakfast instead. (Mmm ... syrup!)

Visit the aquarium!

Whip up some (spiked!) milk and cookies.

Break out the sidewalk chalk and try your hand (er, feet) at hopscotch. Once you're done with hopping, move on to tic-tac-toe!

Find a cookbook at the library and pick something yummy to cook together! (Bring quarters for so you can photocopy the recipe!)

Bring a handful of pennies to a local fountain and make some wishe

Paint pottery together. (If your instincts tell you it's childish, ignore 'em!)

See if he's man enough to go for a pedicure with you! (I begged my husband before our wedding—and he wound up loving it!)

Take a walk on a deserted beach!

Challenge your crush to a push-up contest. Or ask him to join you for a Pilates class!

Rather than meet up for drinks, meet up for a cupcake! (Or two!)

Go to Target and pick out silly, inexpensive surprise gifts for each other! (Max price tag: $10!)

Spend an afternoon at a fall harvest festival!

Pay a visit to your local bingo hall and join the grandmas for a few rounds!

Take a long walk and hold hands the entire time!

Attend trivia night at a bar!

Visit a haunted house!

Article Source:http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2011/09/31-date-ideas-that-are-perfect.html

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A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

By Yashar Ali


You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.


My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late ”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?


Article Source:http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/



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Joyful Solutions to Relationship Difficulties

By Laurie Moore, LMFT, CHT, PhD


Note: This article is for couples who have experienced love and compatibility but are having current challenges. This article is not for people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unable to be present due to addiction. Abuse and addiction situations require other kinds of counseling.

Couples with the compatibility and love needed for longevity will find themselves in uncomfortable quagmires at different times. This is due to the complexity of being human. When you look at the combination of factors included in a human (background, emotional temperament, unique characteristics, drives and yearnings, goals, genetic factors, view point, soul calling, karmic lessons) there is a lot going on. Put two people together and you have a rich design that is sometimes a puzzle. For this reason, couples may feel challenged within a very good relationship at times. No relationship is a custom-made combination of 100% fitting characteristics. The beauty of a relationship is that our harmonious sharings give us great warmth while our areas of difference can give rise to deeper compassion and love. A relationship that is challenged is an opportunity for clarifying intentions, learning new ways of harmonizing, and growing in compassion.

In today’s world, people are apt to give up on a good relationship because narcissism is at play. Opportunities for deeper growth, bonding and love can be missed when someone can only see the value of his or her own needs.

Therapy is a good way to find deeper union in the face of challenge. Therapy can teach you to listen more deeply to the expressions and yearnings of self and other. In this openness, emerging solutions to chronic problems may come about in surprising ways. Where once two people felt unsupported, depth of care may be found.

Relationship is a path of learning, compromise and gratitude. Couples who make gratitude more important than dissatisfaction are better at sustaining love and care when differences cause temporary disturbance. Couples who share a clear, positive intention for their relationship’s evolution are likely to return to happiness and harmony. Those who invest in making one another the “sick, bad, or wrong” one may not be any happier in the next relationship.

Gratitude and intention can be hard to remember when our equilibrium is being threatened. Good counseling is a way to receive support from a non-judgmental party who can help both members of the couple to expand into new viewpoints.

When one sees differently, it becomes easier to support the health of both involved.

Remember there are always two sides to each situation. When we step outside of an attachment to making one view point better than another, we see that both our partner and ourself carry valid needs and experiences. From this deeper listening we can find the way back to peace.

Often our lack of peace is the result of old hurts (our own, our collective society’s, or our ancestors’ which we may inherit genetically). When a skilled therapist assists us with transforming these hurts over time, we approach our relationship differently. Where once we felt trapped and stuck, now we might flow creatively.

To begin healing immediately take some time to reflect upon what you are thankful to your partner about. Let him or her know. Clarify to yourself, what you are seeking with your partner in most simple terms. For example, I desire and intend to return to a state of ease and mutual acceptance with my partner.

Look honestly to see if you might be carrying old hurts around with you. Might these hurts be affecting your ability to respond to a current situation with workability? Are you able to practice what you are looking for in the relationship yourself, or is undigested pain in the way? If yes, are you willing to get help for your side of the problem? Couples who each attend individual counseling as well as couples’ counseling tend to do better with altering conflict.

Ask yourself if you would be willing to release a view point or habitual emotional habit that is impeding your own goal for the relationship. Share all of the suggestions listed with your partner after you try them out yourself. Share the affects you experience from trying out these methods also. Invite your partner along for the rewarding journey. Find out if she or he is also ready and willing to do his or her work so that both of you may benefit.

While it is true that some people simply are not compatible, many give up before their greatest potential is reached. I invite you to look deeply into yourself with the help of an experienced counselor before leaving a relationship. Whether you stay or go, you are being given an opportunity to learn something precious which can stay with you forever. Once you find what you are looking for, you may also find that your mate is ideal for you after all! I have seen this happen many times, both while sitting in the counselor’s chair, and in the opportunities of my own life.


Article Source:http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/



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