Dating tips for independent women who don't know what to do with an old-fashioned romance
-Jennifer Benjamin
A dirty little secret is being kept by many smart, independent women: In relationships, they'd prefer not to wear the pants. In fact, they long for their men in love to kick it old-school by, say, opening the car door, picking up the dinner tab (at least in the early days of dating), and eventually, asking Dad's permission for their hand in marriage.If you're cringing right now, you're not alone. Even the women who crave these ultratraditional displays feel a little squeamish about it. "Women work hard to be respected and taken seriously in so many areas of their lives, and some may feel as if they're betraying their 'strong female' identity by adopting old-fashioned romantic conventions in which the man is, in some ways, playing a dominant role," says Tara M. Emmers-Sommer, Ph.D., a professor of communication studies at the University of Nevada at Las Vegas. So how does a modern girl reconcile these two disparate sides of herself? Read on.
Romantics at Heart
When your guy squashes a big, scary bug for you—or better, whisks you away for a secretly planned weekend—there's no shame in swooning just a little. "No matter how powerful and independent they are, women still want to be pursued, protected, and cared for by their partners," says psychologist Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days.
You can blame it, at least in part, on biology. "Like all other animals, humans evolved to ensure healthy offspring. Millions of years ago, women wanted to mate with strong, resourceful, stable partners who could help provide for and protect their children," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University in New Jersey and author of Why We Love. "And although it has been a long time since women have needed men to support them financially, the cues that indicate those same qualities are still innately attractive to women." In other words, when he plans a date or helps you with a problem, it's powerful because, on some deep and perhaps unconscious level, it shows his ability to take charge and his staying power in the relationship.
Plus, being wooed feels pretty damn great. It can boost your levels of feelgood dopamine—the neurotransmitter responsible for creating that romantic high—and the brain hormone oxytocin, which fosters feelings of attachment to a partner. Sweet gestures (bringing you a cup of coffee in bed, braving the cold to get the mail, driving you to the airport) can trigger that same lovey-dovey response, but a woman also tends to feel an increase in sexual desire when she perceives that her man is listening and taking care of her, says Kirschner.
Biology aside, we can't ignore societal expectations, even in 2010. Emmers-Sommer conducted a recent study of 442 men and women between the ages of 18 and 49, and found that men are still largely the initiators when it comes to asking for a date, and that both sexes expect the man to always pay. "It's social modeling: We're given these scripts about the male-female dynamic," she explains.
Some of these notions of old-fashioned romance have been drilled into our heads since, well, our first Disney flick. As we get older, we're fed even more (and often traditional) relationship advice from our parents, along with being inundated by messages in ads, chick flicks, and reality TV.
Think about it—the commercial where the man gives his wife a new diamond ring when they hit the five-year mark, the romcom in which the hero chases his true love through airport security and onto the plane, leaving his shoes and spare change behind. And on reality TV, people fall in love and propose after, oh, roughly five dates (which consist of helicopter rides and romps on tropical beaches). A study done by Robert H. Woods Jr., Ph.D., at Spring Arbor University, and Samuel Ebersole, Ph.D., at Colorado State University at Pueblo, found that 18-to 25-year-olds avidly watch The Bachelor and The Bachelorette—and many of them claim they watch this type of show to live vicariously through the characters.
Article Source:http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=26038069
~lOVE 2 B lOVED
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