Couples Living Together Need A Plan For Finances

BOSTON (CBS) – The PC term is cohabitation. Many more couples are trying this approach before marriage and in some instances instead of marriage. Over 8 million couples live together. That number may be low due to the fact people often lie to the census taker.

So how does what’s yours, mine and ours work here? This is not going to be a romantic segment! Grab a pad, pencil and your calculator to help.

You need to treat the finances just as if you were two strangers about to become roommates. Talk about the expenses upfront before your friends start carrying the boxes in and if you are willing take it one step further; put everything in writing. Create a cohabitation agreement. You’re dealing with a roommate, one you’re romantically involved with, but they’re still a roommate.

1. Keep your finances separate. Do not open a joint checking account and do not put each other’s names on your credit cards as a user. And think twice about co-signing loans for each other. Share the basic household expenses like the rent, mortgage and utilities.
2. You need to have a clear understanding about what’s expected of each of you. Make a list of the joint expenses and who will be responsible for them. Whose name will be on the electric bill? The water bill? When you sign a lease you may have to do that jointly unless one of you moves into an established situation. Who is going to be responsible for paying the bills?
3. Credit Cards:  Don’t mess with each other’s credit. It could come back to bite you in the butt. Each of you is responsible for your own credit card bills. You want to keep your credit histories separate.
4. Insurance:  If you are renting you both should have renter’s insurance to cover your belongings.
5. Discretionary Expenses:  Food and alcohol. Gets sticky here and again communication is key. Is one of you a gourmet cook and the other content with a can of tomato soup and a grilled cheese? If he likes beer while he watches the game on the weekend then that falls under his expenses. If you drink beer with him or your friends do then that is a joint expense. If his friends come over for a party and you are away it’s his expense.
6. If you buy any large pieces of furniture together who gets them if you split up? Does one of you buy the washer and the other the dryer? Discuss ownership issues before you need to.

One more thing:  According to a recent study when unmarried couples who have been living together part company, women are substantially worse off economically than the men. A man’s household income drops by 10%, a woman’s by 33%. Sounds a lot like the statistics of a divorce. According to the Census Bureau, more than 40% of American women under the age of 45 have lived unmarried with a male partner at some point in their lives..….
 

You can hear Dee Lee’s expert financial advice on WBZ News Radio 1030 each weekday at 1:55 p.m., 3:55 p.m., and 7:55 p.m.

Subscribe to Dee’s Money Matters newsletter here.

Article Source: http://boston.cbslocal.com/2012/06/07/couples-living-together-need-a-plan-for-finances/


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Quote Of The Week: Frank Crane

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough"  ~Frank Crane

How to Keep the Peace Between Opposite Sex Friends and Significant Others

By Shamontiel

My godfather has been my mother's best friend since they were eight years old, and they are still best friends today. My father (and my mother's husband) accepts their friendship. My paternal grandfather and my godfather are also pretty cool. Of course, my maternal family knows him and they're cool with him as well. My father is a deacon, and is in constant communication with female members of his church. Again, platonic friends. Being around parents who have a mutual understanding that they can have friends of the opposite sex, it floored me to date a guy who pretty much wanted me to abandon the few male friends that I have.

Boyfriend started off pretty cool. We hung out regularly, talked on the phone daily, and could chat about anything. I thought this was the perfect relationship (and being as commitment phobic as I am, that's pretty big) up until one day when I told him a male friend of mine was going to come by and see my new apartment. I'd never seen someone change their whole personality so quickly. For the rest of that week, I heard constant spiteful comments about how my "date" was coming on Saturday. The day that one of my male friends came by, Boyfriend called from an unidentified number and hung up on my answering machine. The next day, he bombarded me with questions about what time did Friend get there, what time did Friend leave, and what did Friend and I do while we were hanging out. I almost felt like I was in an interrogation room. Considering that I'm not the jealous type, I didn't understand his frustration nor do I to this day. From that relationship, I learned some very valuable lessons.

Lesson Number One: If you're going to be in a relationship with a jealous person, make sure that you introduce him to your friends. He may feel more comfortable if he knows who your other friends are instead of a mysterious friend showing up out of the clear blue sky. On my living room wall, I have several pictures of guy friends I've had over the years. Thinking that was hint enough that I hang with guys more than women, I assumed Boyfriend would understand. Although Friend and I had been tight for 10 years, it didn't occur to me to introduce Boyfriend to Friend because I didn't think it was a big deal, but afterwards, it seemed like a reasonable thing to do.
 

Lesson Number Two: To avoid possible accusations that you and your opposite sex friend are messing around, try to include your significant other in hanging out. Even better, if Friend is involved with someone, invite him/her along too. Double dates aren't really my thing, but it keeps the peace and again isn't unreasonable. It also gives Friend and Boyfriend the opportunity to bond. I see my godfather and father hang out, laugh, and chill when he comes into town to visit. My godfather even stood in my parents' wedding. Had my father and my godfather not gotten along, that would've never happened.

 
Lesson Number Three: Set a time limit on when your opposite sex friends can call. I'm a serious night owl and my guy friends know it. I was once on the phone with Boyfriend, and another guy friend from college called me pretty late at night. I answered my cell phone while I was on the house phone with Boyfriend, and Boyfriend could hear my whole conversation. I didn't put him on hold or the phone on mute because the conversation was brief and friendly, plus I had nothing to hide. Boyfriend misinterpreted the conversation as some type of booty call. Where he got that idea, I have no clue, but that was when I started to realize he was slightly possessive. After ignoring his rants for a few minutes with yawns and changing the subject, I finally got him to admit that he felt it was odd that another guy would call me so late. Even as a night owl like me, he still found it fishy. I shrugged and told my guy friends to try to call me at a more reasonable time, say before 10 p.m. 

Lesson Number Four: If your opposite sex friend does call, please ask Friend to introduce himself to Boyfriend. I learned that the hard way with my godfather's wife. I called his house one day and asked to speak to him. Now mind you, when I was younger, this was never an issue. But as a young lady grows, her voice becomes more mature. My godfather's wife hissed about me stating my identity and when I told her who I was, she complained about how I could've spoken to her before asking for my godfather. At the time, I didn't understand the harm, but had she spoken to me in a calmer tone, I'd have understood why it is important to keep the significant other at ease. How much effort does it take to say "Hey ____________, this is ____________. How are you doing? Can I speak to _________________?" This way, the Significant Other knows who is calling on the phone for their Significant Other, and it could possibly keep Friend and Significant Other at ease.
 
Lesson Number Five: If Significant Other wants you to give up your friends now that he or she is in the picture, personally I don't feel this is justifiable. Friend could've been there before your relationship started and will be there if/when your relationship ends. Even when my godfather's wife had an issue with me calling and not speaking to her, he didn't stop being friends with my mother nor did the relationship between us become any less tight. His wife accepted that, and although she and I are not in communication now, the bond stayed the same. To give up a true friendship for someone else's insecurities is not only unfair to that Friend, but it's not fair to yourself. Friendships are few and far between, and if you luck out enough to find a genuine friend, don't let that person go. If you are faced with an ultimatum like this, ask your Significant Other if they like you for you. If they do, then they should be able to accept the package that comes with you, friends included. And if they don't, then Significant Other needs to be with someone just like him/her. There are those who enjoy Significant Others who should have side jobs as police officers, and then there are those like me who don't have the time nor patience to humor someone else's jealousy and insecurities. Walk to your door, open it, and kindly let Significant Other walk out. After all that explaining, it's really not worth the trouble. Hell, if you're lucky, Friend will introduce you to someone less psychotic.

Article Source: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/292048/how_to_keep_the_peace_between_opposite_pg3.html?cat=41



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How to Resolve Trust Issues in a Relationship

Nobody likes to be fighting with a loved one, but a loss of trust causes serious problems. Trust issues are hard to overcome and often keep popping up. You and your partner must resolve your trust issues if you are to move toward a more healthy relationship.

Instructions:

Talk it out. This seems obvious, but when two people in a relationship talk, it helps if the couple trusts each other. Building trust can be especially hard with someone you're in a relationship with because that person has the power to hurt you. By practicing constant communication and keeping it open and honest, trust can be slowly built, or rebuilt.

Forget the past. Don't hold on to old hurts. Everyone's been hurt, and you need to work through those issues, not hold on to them and shove them in the other person's face. This will only make things worse, and it won't resolve anything. The important thing is to not dwell on the things that happened.

Focus on the present. Don't let your mind think about the bad things that could happen. When you focus on what could be, you're heading down a road that destroys trust. Banish negative thoughts and think about what IS happening, not what could happen.

Take it slowly. Take your relationship day by day and communicate daily as well. Don't expect all of your walls to come crumbling down overnight--it takes work, and time.

Article Source:http://www.ehow.com/how_2314162_resolve-trust-issues-relationship.html



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Letting Go of the Past So You Can Enjoy Your Future

It's human nature to sometimes hold onto an event that has hurt, disappointed, or severed a relationship. No matter how long ago it happened, the wound can still be deep and hard to heal. But there are ways and things that you can do to help the healing process.

When a relationship is broken, one of the parties may not understand why or what happened that brought the relationship to an end. So it may help to discuss the issue with the person that was involved. It shouldn't be a conversation that stirs up an argument, but it should be more of a conversation to gain information for the benefit of both parties. For instance, you can ask if there was something that you could have done to prevent the problems or was there something that you should have done that you didn't. Although it doesn't sound like this would make a difference, it can bring closure to a situation so that you can get past it and move on with your life.

Since every person is different, they all have different ways to handle certain situations. But they shouldn't dwell on the "what ifs". They think, "what if" they would have done this, or "what if" they would have done that. But regardless of the question or answer it will not make the current situation any better. Mulling it over in the mind only adds to the problem and can bring about more issues to deal with.

When a person gets hurt, it can be devastating and many times their hurt turns into anger, anger into bitterness, and bitterness into unforgiveness. Living with unforgiveness has a way of damaging our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. For this reason it is important to forgive those that hurt you so that you can prevent other areas of your life from suffering.

Not only is it important to forgive the person that hurt you, it's important that you forgive yourself as well. We all have things that we struggle with, and there isn't anyone that is perfect. Yes you made a mistake but you have to forgive yourself for your part in the situation. Holding on to that guilt isn't good for you and will actually restrict you from enjoying your life.


Article Source:http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/507231/letting_go_of_the_past_so_you_can_enjoy.html?cat=5



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What to Do After He Cheats - Tips and Advice That May Help

By Katie Lersch


I get a lot of emails from wives and girlfriends who have found out that their husband or boyfriend has been cheating and are not at all sure how to handle it or how to proceed. Some common comments are things like: "I can't envision our relationship ever being the same again. This hurts so much, but I still love him. What do I do now?;" or "I just don't know what to do now. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I am filled with self doubt. I want to do something to move myself forward, but I just don't want to know what." I'll tell you the advice that I typically give in the following article.

Don't Take Any Drastic Action While You're Still Reeling From The Affair:
 It's so common to become so upset that you want to do something very drastic and lasting just to feel like you're doing something. This hurts so much that you want to fix it immediately. And, let's face it. It can feel momentarily good to lash out and make a huge scene or fuss. Sure, this relieves the tension for a short time, but often, you will come to regret these actions and decisions because you weren't thinking rationally when you made them.

Often we later regret these reactions. They don't paint us in a flattering light and sometimes they are just down right embarrassing. If you need to rage at something or someone, entrust this with a friend. Use your journal. There will be plenty of time to go off on your boyfriend or spouse when you've had the time to fully process this. But, give yourself some distance before you do. Your reacting very badly actually only gives your man more justification for doing what he did. Many women will see this as letting him off the hook. It really isn't. You will have your say, but wait until it's really you talking and not just your gut reaction.

Evaluate Why This Cheating Happened:
It's important that you understand exactly why the affair happened for many reasons. Whether it's with the man who cheated on you or not, you will have to pick up the pieces at some time. And, if any good comes out of this, it will likely be a better understanding of yourself and how you function in relationships. This cheating is not your fault, no matter what the state of the relationship was. Your spouse or boyfriend had many other available options. They chose to cheat instead. Do not beat yourself up for this decision on their part.

With that said though, take a look at any part that you may have had in this, even a small part. I'm not telling you to do this to blame yourself. I'm telling you to do this because any information that allows you improve, grow, and work on your own self knowledge and self confidence is a gift - no matter how you got it.

Whether you want to save your relationship or not, one day you will have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust again. This will be easier if you know why this happened so that you can prevent it from happening again.

Deciding Whether You're Better Off With Him Or Without Him:
Eventually, you will need to evaluate whether you want to cut your losses or want to rehabilitate your relationship with him. This often requires you to look past the hurt and rage and to evaluate his behaviors and actions prior to the affair. Because, there was a life before the cheating and either you were happy with it at one time or you weren't. Many times, we have a whole lot of history with this person and they do have many redeeming qualities, but we allow one act and one mistake to erase all of that. Again, I'm not excusing the cheating. I have felt the hurt of being cheated on and I would never excuse this. But, I also know that in order to move on, you need to separate the act from the man. You need to be able to think about whether he was good to you and for you before the cheating happened.

Sometimes, doing this will show you that he's never been that great for you and has pretty much always caused you pain and self doubt. Other times, this will help you see that he's been your rock and your partner until this one event. Only you can determine if it's worth hanging on and trying to work this out. But, I can tell you that people who are able to move on are able to separate previous history from one event.

Be "Selfish" And Focus On Yourself And What Makes You Happy:
 Many times, women make the period after the affair one that I call "all about him." They want to know why he did this, how he feels right now, what he's doing, and what's wrong with you that caused him to do this. I understand why these questions seem important. But, it's better to place your focus on yourself. Because, until you're OK with yourself, it really doesn't matter very much what your husband says. You're not going to believe him anyway. He can tell you that he will never do this again because he's committed to and loves you. He can reassure you that he still finds you beautiful and sexy and wants to be with you, but if you're still filled with anger, unhappiness and self doubt, you're not hearing a word he says and you continue to walk around dragging the anger and hurt behind you.

To move past this, you must create your own happiness and you must know that you are able to handle another's short comings because at the end of the day, you're all you really have and all you really need. You can get by just fine on your own, but you chose to be with him or not because it suits you and because it's what you want. You have to understand that you deserve and want the very best for yourself. You deserve nothing less than this. Only you can decide if your husband or boyfriend fits this bill. But your mind and your heart should be in a good place when you make this decision. It won't be in this place if you're not in a good place with yourself.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2381254

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10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship [Part-3]

7. State who YOU are - loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then...begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to just make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga

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10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship [Part-2]

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly. Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies." Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?" Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need...x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?" He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly." Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn't you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga



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10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship [Part-1]

1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! ***Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!***

2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/ different/ richer/ deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. ***Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!***

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Robert_Huizenga



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Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend

***Ask any relationship expert what they believe the foundation to a lasting relationship is and chances are that “trust” will appear near the top of the list.

Where trust issues arise from:

As with many beliefs and insecurities, trust issues form as a result of cultural learning and past experiences. The past experiences can either be personal experiences, in this case being betrayed in a past relationship, or they can develop by observing external examples of mistrust in society.

There is also a correlation between how much we trust our romantic partners and how much we trust ourselves! A lot of people find it hard to trust their other half because they know how EASY it is to be unfaithful, whether in reality or simply in theory.

A third cause is related to our own self-esteem. Unless we believe one hundred percent that we embody the ‘perfect partner’ and that our relationship is as happy and fulfilling as it can be, there is by definition a fear that there is someone out there more suited to our other half.

Related emotions – jealousy and fear:

Although there are varying evolutionary and psychological theories surrounding jealousy and fear, in simple terms they are both products of our own self-esteem. Jealousy and any related insecurities stem from protection, neediness and scarcity: the thought that if someone steals my loved one away from me, I will be left with nothing!

The only way to fully trust your girlfriend or boyfriend is to rid yourself of any fear of losing them. The feelings may not always be rational because trust issues have a habit of burying themselves deep in our subconscious. *I have even had married men (men who are with women that have supposedly committed their entire LIFE to them) who still have this fear of losing their partner and show signs of mistrust every time their wife is away from them for any length of time.* This sounds absurd on the face of it but confirms the fact that subconscious feelings of mistrust can often be greater than any logical or justified feelings.

Wanting to know everything your partner gets up to:

This statement is not to be confused with having a genuine interest and excitement to know what your partner gets up to in your absence. This is concerning the people who want to know intricate and nugatory details from their girlfriend or boyfriend (if they’ve been on a night out for example) and then become aggrieved if they later find out they haven’t been told everything.

If you expect your partner to tell you EVERYTHING (especially if they tell you that they will) then trivial details that accidently get forgotten suddenly set off insecure detective mode! It is almost as if we only believe someone is being honest with us if we can build a fully formed picture of their description in our mind. This is of course in the hope that those extra details will ensure that the major ones never get neglected.

***A common situation that men in relationships come to me about is in trusting their girlfriend when she is out socialising with other guys, or perhaps if she is still in touch with an ex-boyfriend.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend knows that you will overreact or judge them if they do one of the above two things (even innocently) then chances are they simply won’t tell you about them! This may not be in a malicious or sinister way, but simply to prevent any unnecessary relationship aggro. Of course, if you do then discover what they have been up to, it suddenly becomes a lot less innocent, regardless of their intentions!

^^^*The only way to encourage your partner to be completely open with you is to ensure they know that you will never overreact, or more importantly JUDGE them if they tell you potentially undesirable facts.*^^^

Fully trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend:

If you know that you experience frequent feelings of jealousy or distrust, it is not something you are likely to be able to rid yourself of in an instant. You can however slowly work on overcoming or desensitising yourself to those negative feelings through repetitive cognition. This is achieved through a combination of being reassured by your partner’s trustworthy actions over time and by not fuelling any anxieties with trust illusions or hypothetical scenarios.

I’ve said time and time again that the most important aspect of a relationship is actively making it as fulfilling as it can be at all times. Doing this and believing it wholeheartedly to be true will conquer all conceivable issues a couple could have. Doing this correctly, mistrust can only manifest if you self-sabotage your own image, much like the causes that lead to being cheated on!

I personally don’t fear anyone whisking my partner away from me because I don’t believe there is anyone who could! Consequently, I trust her unreservedly and never feel the need to accuse, question or interrogate any of her behaviour. This may sound mildly arrogant but is a direct result of working hard on both myself and our relationship so it is the best it can possibly be at all times. As soon as I start to lose that desire to continually enrich our relationship, is the first sign that the relationship might be subsiding.
Whilst I’m aware that it takes a considerable amount of time to get to a level of complete ease and trust in a relationship, there are a few things you can do to aid the process.

The best temporary measure is to simply suppress any insecurities you may have as soon as they arise. Prevent yourself from displaying unwarranted signs of mistrust towards your partner and the people outside the relationship you fear. *This won’t condition a perfect relationship as described above but it will condition a healthy one in the meantime.* It will let your partner know that you trust them, which in turn will emotionally pull them closer to you rather than push them away.

“I trust my partner but I don’t trust the people around them”:

A final factor that can affect one’s trust in a relationship is social intelligence. Someone can ostensibly trust their partner on an emotional level, but still fear them getting taken advantage of due to their vulnerability, naivety or lack of social maturity.

If your partner is attractive, they WILL get attention from other members of the opposite sex. All you can do is ensure that they are equipped with the basic social tools so that they can be trusted in any social situation and not risk being taken advantage of. These social tools include things such as being decisive, assertive and never alluding to relationship status.

Going back to an earlier point about allowing your partner to be completely open and honest with you, remember that trust is not circumstantial and you want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be able to tell you anything because they WANT to, not because they feel that they HAVE to!

Trusting your partner’s emotional fidelity is just as important as trusting their physical fidelity… so remember that even if your partner has previous reasons for you not to trust them, what becomes of that is wholly dependent on your input and approach to the relationship!

Source: http://sparklife.info/blog/2010/08/trust-trusting-relationship/




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