Top 5 Bad Relationship Habits To Cut Out In 2012

 It’s a New Year beauties and if you are reading this, you are blessed to have made it to 2012. Some of us welcomed in the New Year with a kiss from our beloved, some of us with champagne toasts and glittery accessories but a handful of us beauties brought in the New Year miserable. We do it every year, we manage to cut off or be cut off by that someone who we were kickin’ it with and end up in the same emotional state we were in prior to this person entering our lives. I always compare this to the feeling you get when a dress you buy at final sale is seen somewhere else at a cheaper price- defeat!

I can’t pull Idris Elba out of my pocket and give him to you nor can I pull a huge engagement ring out the sky and place it on your finger. What I can give you are a few pointers that will help you ease into your next romantic encounter with a little more emotionally-sound ammo, the rest of the story is written by you.

Here are 5 bad relationship habits to cut out in 2012:

 

Making Assumptions: Admittedly I’m an over thinker. I will spin a story so real in my head that I have to question my sanity at times. For the sake of your romantic future, ask questions, and leave estimations up to scientists.

 

Believing You Are Not Worthy of Love: I’m amazed at how many women are still “ok” with settling for half-assed relationships. Know your worth, and save yourself the heartache by knowing when to exit an experience that is not bringing out the best in you.

 

Comparing Your Experience to Your Friends’ Relationships: So you’re the last in the crew to get chose. Girl please,  allow your friend’s big news to enhance your outlook on love and not be step by step instructions or a threat to your individual love experience.

 

Sabotaging Your Potential for Love: I am the pickiest mofo on earth but I can tell you that every one of my shallow “must-haves” have gone out the window with my current beau. Focus on shared values being the deciding factor as opposed to the “Disney Land” idea of the “perfect mate”. 

 

Lying To Yourself: Just like we set goals for our careers I always encourage my people to set goals for love. Many relationships fail to move past a certain stage because both parties have no idea what they really want or they do but have conflicting views of what the relationship should be. Are you looking for a commitment? Is light and casual working for you? Are you interested in serial dating? State your intentions and be about it, avoid getting caught up with partners who have snake charmed their way into your heart but have no desire for a commitment- That’s some 2011 bull!

I’m excited for this year and all of you. I know for a fact that whether or not you have found love, you want to enhance your experience as well as become stronger in your ability to give and receive it. We here!

 Article Source: http://hellobeautiful.com/sex-love/lipstick-wisdom/telishang/top-5-bad-relationship-habits-to-cut-out-in-2012/


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A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not "Crazy"

By Yashar Ali


You’re so sensitive. You’re so emotional. You’re defensive. You’re overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! You’re crazy! I was just joking, don’t you have a sense of humor? You’re so dramatic. Just get over it already!

Sound familiar?

If you’re a woman, it probably does.

Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?

When someone says these things to you, it’s not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without calling—that’s inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, “Calm down, you’re overreacting,” after you just addressed someone else’s bad behavior, is emotional manipulation—pure and simple.

And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. It’s patently false and unfair.
I think it’s time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not in our normal vocabulary.

I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.

The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergman’s husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergman’s character reacts to it, he tells her she’s just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victim’s perception of him or herself.

Today, when the term is referenced, it’s usually because the perpetrator says things like, “You’re so stupid” or “No one will ever want you” to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyer’s character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergman’s character into believing herself unhinged.

The form of gaslighting I’m addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.

Those who engage in gaslighting create a reaction—whether it’s anger, frustration, sadness—in the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings aren’t rational or normal.


My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, “You’re so sensitive. I’m just joking.”

My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily shoot her down and her work product. Comments like, “Can’t you do something right?” or “Why did I hire you?” are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldn’t know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says “It doesn’t help me when you say these things,” she gets the same reaction: “Relax; you’re overreacting.”

Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And it’s exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.

But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, “You’re so sensitive,” to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, that person is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.

While dealing with gaslighting isn’t a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.

And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

Why?

Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.

These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”
That “forget it” isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.

No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.

They say, “I’m sorry” before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.

You know how it looks: “You’re late ”

These are the same women who stay in relationships they don’t belong in, who don’t follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.

Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as “crazy” has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.

From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.

Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, “Oh, about how crazy we are?”

Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.

As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.

I don’t think this idea that women are “crazy,” is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe it’s connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as “crazy”

I recognize that I’ve been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friends—surprise, surprise). It’s shameful, but I’m glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.

While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. It’s about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.

When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, “The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.”

So for many of us, it’s first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.

But isn’t the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that women’s opinions don’t hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isn’t quite as legitimate?


Article Source:http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-%E2%80%9Ccrazy%E2%80%9D/



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Joyful Solutions to Relationship Difficulties

By Laurie Moore, LMFT, CHT, PhD


Note: This article is for couples who have experienced love and compatibility but are having current challenges. This article is not for people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or unable to be present due to addiction. Abuse and addiction situations require other kinds of counseling.

Couples with the compatibility and love needed for longevity will find themselves in uncomfortable quagmires at different times. This is due to the complexity of being human. When you look at the combination of factors included in a human (background, emotional temperament, unique characteristics, drives and yearnings, goals, genetic factors, view point, soul calling, karmic lessons) there is a lot going on. Put two people together and you have a rich design that is sometimes a puzzle. For this reason, couples may feel challenged within a very good relationship at times. No relationship is a custom-made combination of 100% fitting characteristics. The beauty of a relationship is that our harmonious sharings give us great warmth while our areas of difference can give rise to deeper compassion and love. A relationship that is challenged is an opportunity for clarifying intentions, learning new ways of harmonizing, and growing in compassion.

In today’s world, people are apt to give up on a good relationship because narcissism is at play. Opportunities for deeper growth, bonding and love can be missed when someone can only see the value of his or her own needs.

Therapy is a good way to find deeper union in the face of challenge. Therapy can teach you to listen more deeply to the expressions and yearnings of self and other. In this openness, emerging solutions to chronic problems may come about in surprising ways. Where once two people felt unsupported, depth of care may be found.

Relationship is a path of learning, compromise and gratitude. Couples who make gratitude more important than dissatisfaction are better at sustaining love and care when differences cause temporary disturbance. Couples who share a clear, positive intention for their relationship’s evolution are likely to return to happiness and harmony. Those who invest in making one another the “sick, bad, or wrong” one may not be any happier in the next relationship.

Gratitude and intention can be hard to remember when our equilibrium is being threatened. Good counseling is a way to receive support from a non-judgmental party who can help both members of the couple to expand into new viewpoints.

When one sees differently, it becomes easier to support the health of both involved.

Remember there are always two sides to each situation. When we step outside of an attachment to making one view point better than another, we see that both our partner and ourself carry valid needs and experiences. From this deeper listening we can find the way back to peace.

Often our lack of peace is the result of old hurts (our own, our collective society’s, or our ancestors’ which we may inherit genetically). When a skilled therapist assists us with transforming these hurts over time, we approach our relationship differently. Where once we felt trapped and stuck, now we might flow creatively.

To begin healing immediately take some time to reflect upon what you are thankful to your partner about. Let him or her know. Clarify to yourself, what you are seeking with your partner in most simple terms. For example, I desire and intend to return to a state of ease and mutual acceptance with my partner.

Look honestly to see if you might be carrying old hurts around with you. Might these hurts be affecting your ability to respond to a current situation with workability? Are you able to practice what you are looking for in the relationship yourself, or is undigested pain in the way? If yes, are you willing to get help for your side of the problem? Couples who each attend individual counseling as well as couples’ counseling tend to do better with altering conflict.

Ask yourself if you would be willing to release a view point or habitual emotional habit that is impeding your own goal for the relationship. Share all of the suggestions listed with your partner after you try them out yourself. Share the affects you experience from trying out these methods also. Invite your partner along for the rewarding journey. Find out if she or he is also ready and willing to do his or her work so that both of you may benefit.

While it is true that some people simply are not compatible, many give up before their greatest potential is reached. I invite you to look deeply into yourself with the help of an experienced counselor before leaving a relationship. Whether you stay or go, you are being given an opportunity to learn something precious which can stay with you forever. Once you find what you are looking for, you may also find that your mate is ideal for you after all! I have seen this happen many times, both while sitting in the counselor’s chair, and in the opportunities of my own life.


Article Source:http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/joyful-solutions-to-relationship-difficulties/



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Unhealthy Relationship Signs and How to Fix Them

An unhealthy relationship can break you down. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you have two choices. You can either fix it or end the relationship. When you’re not happy, every part of you suffers. An unhealthy relationship can make you a physical and emotional wreck.

So how do you turn your unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship? There are strategies you can use to make your relationship work. You will need to work through any conflicting issues with your partner.





Money - The Root Of All Evil?
Money arguments can turn the healthiest relationship into a battlefield of arguments. Some of the main reasons why money causes frictions in relationships are because; one partner earns more than the other, bills, bills and more bills, lack of money and overspending. The one earning the most may feel resentment towards their partner because they take care of most of the expenditures. They may use that power to control the spending habits of the household. When there’s not enough money coming in to pay the bills, it causes tensions. Or if you have a spender living with a saver, the spender will be criticized for wasting money.

Instead of arguing, find a solution. Don’t throw blame around because it only adds to the problem. Sit down together, work out a budget and make a list of priorities. Part of the budget should include some money for the two of you to spend some regular quality time together. It could be a trip to the cinema, enjoying an affordable meal at a local resturant or just sharing a bottle of wine and watching a DVD at home. You should decide how often you can afford to treat yourselves.

Love Makes The World Go Round
The intense passion, excitement, can’t get enough of you, butterflies in the stomach feelings you get when you first fall in love don’t last. When that feeling fades, the rose tinted glasses comes off as well. You realise that you’re not intoxicated by love anymore. You’re just a normal everyday couple and love doesn’t feel like it used to. Routines may replace spontaneity. Passion has taken a back seat and you hardly talk to each other, your man hugs you like you’re his sister and the words ‘I love you’ are hardly mentioned. So how can you make your love candle burn again?

Compliment and praise each other often. Cook a lovely candlelit dinner once a week or month. Go away for romantic weekends. Watch comedy films that will make you both laugh. Mutual laughter keeps your relationship exciting. It triggers endorphines which makes you feel happy. Be like little kids again and do silly things like tickling each other. Get rid of stress and have playful pillow fights. Take long, leisurely walks in the park together. Hold hands when you walk down the road. Try to remember why you fell in love with each other and recapture some of those magical feelings.
Kiss and hug your man every day and tell him that you love him. A friend of mine told me that since she started doing that, her relationship has done a 90 degree turn around. It also boosted their sex life. Bring back some fun into your relationship.

You Argue About Anything and Everything
Arguing is not all bad. It’s normal to have different points of views. The only couples who don’t argue are the perfect couples. Unfortunately, they don’t exist. If you’re always arguing, have you both tried to find out what the problem is or do you just argue back? Ignoring the problem will not make it go away either. A male friend told me that every evening after work; he would go home to a messy house to find his girlfriend entertaining her friends. He told her for months that he wasn’t happy and tried to sort things out with her. But instead of listening or compromising, she carried on doing what she was doing. His resentment at her attitude turned into daily arguments. The relationship eventually ended.

Arguments can be solved. Never go to bed angry . It takes two to argue. Calm down! Go for a walk or leave the room for a while. Actively listen to each other’s explanation without interrupting. Tell him why you’re upset and how you feel. Don’t scream or shout. Talk about what you can both do to solve the problem that’s causing the arguments. Compromise if you have to. If the two of you can’t find a solution, you may need to see a relationship coach or get some professional counselling.

Help! Sex Life Needs a BoostWhen the relationship’s fresh you can’t get enough of each other. But after a while, things can get boring in the bedroom. You feel like it’s the same old, same old stuff. He doesn’t excite you anymore. Do you force yourself to be in the mood sometimes? Do you lie there wishing he would hurry up so that you can go to sleep? So, what are you going to do to revive your sex life?

Just because you’ve been together for a while doesn’t mean your sex life has to be boring. You are the woman. You have the power to ignite some new fire in the bedroom. Take him to La Senza and get him to buy you some sexy lingerie. Wear them for him. Why confine sex to the bedroom? Try different rooms in the house or better still, book into a hotel room for a night of passion. Pretend that you’re new lovers – Mr & Mrs Smith. Light some perfumed candles and put them around the bathroom. Take warm baths together. Put some romantic, smoochy music on, turn the lights down low and slow dance with your man. Spend time kissing and caressing each other before making love. These are just some of the things you can do to spice up your sex life and maintain a healthy relationship.


You Don’t Spend Quality Time Together
In the beginning people thought he was your Siamese twin. Wherever you went he would be there beside you. He couldn’t get enough of your company. He even ignored his best friend to be with you. Now you feel like you have to book an appointment to see him. Your man finishes work and instead of coming home he goes out with his friends. At weekends he always find excuses to meet up with them. You start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. What happened to those wonderful quality times you used to share together?

Talk to him. Ask him why he doesn’t want to spend time with you. If he points out that there’s a problem in the relationship, work it out together. If you want to get close to him again, plan to spend good quality time together. Visit the theatre, go bowling, go away for weekends, or drive down to the coast together. Still allow him ‘his time‘ with his friends, but make sure you spend quality time together. Most importantly though, talk to each other.

Keeping a healthy relationship means you have to show love and support to your partner. Communicate with each other. Surprise your man sometimes. Put love notes in his lunch box, work briefcase, trousers or shirt pockets for him to find when he’s not at home. Keep the passion alive. It will strengthen your love for each other.


Article Source:http://www.miraculousladies.com/relationships/unhealthy-relationship-signs-and-how-to-fix-them/



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Communication Pitfalls and Pointers for Couples

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

Communication is the bedrock of relationships. But when two people with different backgrounds, perspectives and concerns get together, there are many things that can go wrong along the way.
Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a Denver-based clinical psychologist who works with couples and authored the book The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage, shares five common communication pitfalls and practical ways to overcome them.

1. Pitfall: Not knowing the rules.
Constructive communication has various principles, some of which you or your partner might not know naturally. Or you might have different expectations and totally different communication styles.
For instance, your childhood has a lot to do with how you communicate. “If you grew up in a family where discussion meant debate, you’ll talk very differently than if you grew up in a family where discussion meant sharing perspectives and building new ideas together,” Heitler says.

Also, some people don’t realize that when they’re communicating, they might be doing something that’s hurtful to their partner. Hurtful behaviors include interpreting, criticism and name-calling, Heitler says.

Interpreting can look like this, according to Heitler: While the wife is washing the dishes and the husband is sitting on the couch reading a book, she assumes that he thinks dishes are a woman’s job and that there’s no way that he’d join her let alone be willing to take dishes on as his responsibility. “Her interpretation blocks her from asking to find out how in fact he would feel about shifting their after-dinner routines,” Heitler says.

When it comes to criticism, a wife who feels she’s not being listened to might say, “When I had problems with my co-workers, you blew me off.” Criticism can easily lead to name-calling, Heitler says. The spouse might—in her mind or out loud—call her husband selfish. Such conversations can then escalate into a blowout.

Pointer: Instead of interpreting, ask your partner, “How come you’re reading while I’m washing the dishes?” Heitler says. The answer might be as simple as the husband getting so engrossed in the book that he didn’t even know that she was doing the dishes.

Instead of criticizing your partner, discuss your concerns. If you feel like your partner isn’t listening to you, ask about their reaction. “What did you think about what I said?” If they say that they’d rather not talk about it, you can inquire why.


2. Pitfall: Aiming for compromise.
You might be surprised to learn that looking for compromise is a pitfall, but compromise produces two losers. As Heitler says, compromise is a “lose-lose solution” for the couple that “leaves both partners feeling compromised.” A win-win solution, by contrast, occurs when her-way meets his-way and creates an our-way, she says.

Pointer: The key is to talk about the specifics of your and your partner’s underlying concerns, and be responsive to them. When you understand both partners’ concerns, the two of you can brainstorm specific solutions. This approach works best when couples take potentially overwhelming issues and break them down into smaller concrete concerns that can be addressed one at a time.

For instance, Heitler worked with a married couple who had disagreements about having kids. He loved his high-intensity job as a trial attorney, for which he worked late nights almost every weekday. She wanted to have a big family, which she said she couldn’t handle on her own.

A compromise would’ve meant her saying that they can have two kids and him saying that he’ll get home at six, Heitler says. However, for both partners, this would’ve been a raw deal.

But when they discussed their underlying concerns, they came up with a win-win solution. To help with the children, they decided to hire nannies, one of whom could stay in the evenings. “Her concern was more about handling children and less about how much time they spent as a couple,” Heitler says. But she did have some concern about spending time together. The couple decided that once a month, they’d go on a weekend getaway. Over time, the husband didn’t want to miss out on family time, so he ended up cutting his hours anyway.


3. Pitfall: Playing pin the tail on the donkey.
After an upsetting situation, you might think that the goal of looking back at what happened it is to figure out who’s at fault. If you’re using the words “you should have,” that’s a giveaway that you’re playing the blame game, Heitler says.

Pointer: Look back at your own behavior and ask yourself what you can do differently in the future. As Heitler says, “it’s not your job to decide what your partner should do differently but to decide what you could do differently.”

Heitler says that signs that you’re learning are when you say things like “Next time, I think I will” or “Next time I think I could.” Consider starting with these words when brainstorming your own future actions.


4. Pitfall: Letting escalating emotions take over.
“The hotter you get, the more likely it is that you’ll race full speed ahead down the criticism and blame road. To stay on the road to mutual understanding and solution-building, avoid overheating,” Heitler says. Excessive emotions can derail a conversation and turn it into a full-blown fight.

Pointer: When you’re frustrated, angry or upset, it’s best to pause the conversation. “Give yourself some time, and even a brief walk into a separate physical space, to calm down,” Heitler says.
If you can’t seem to de-escalate your emotions, then table the talk for another day. Make an agreement with your partner that when the conversation starts to heat up, you’ll stop.


Article Source:http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/5-communication-pitfalls-and-pointers-for-couples/



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Relationship Problems and Facebook: How to keep Social Networking from Hurting your Relationship

By Jennie Estes


Is Facebook helping or hurting your relationship?

On a weekly basis I have clients sitting on my therapy couch and sharing how Facebook was involved in some part of their relationship.  Some state that they use Facebook when they are feeling insecure in the relationship; investigating their partner’s activity with others, combing through the friends list in search for a red-flag person, searching for signs that the relationship is off-track, or looking for inappropriate comments.  Other clients have stated that they watch their partner’s (or soon to be partner) relationship status as a sign of whether their relationship is in tack, broken-up, or in the works.   Other people use it to keep an eye on their ex, to look up a crush, to share their relationship’s dirty laundry, or to addicted to the online banter, etc.  The list is endless!
Facebook isn’t the problem….it is the relationship dynamics and our human reactions that get in the way.

Here are a few tips on how to prevent your relationship from getting hurt through the use of Facebook:

• Jealousy and Drawing a Line: If your relationship already has the jealousy-syndrome, then Facebook won’t help.  The use of this social media can really magnify the insecurities because you don’t get to see the “behind the scene” interactions between other people.  If you are feeling insecure, maybe you and your partner shouldn’t have FB.  Remember, the one sentence post or new friendships can be taken out of context, misinterpreted, or misconstrued. It can also create an alarm or a temptation….for either investigating or flirting.  You may need to draw the line to the use of Facebook or delete the account.
• Check-In, Don’t Assume: Posts by your partner, friends, or colleagues are three words to three sentences about their world they are in.  You aren’t in their world, but you get a sneak peak at their world.  Since you don’t have all the back ground to that person’s post, your view of it may be completely off based.  Check-in with the other person if you have concerns about a post and get the entire story.  Don’t just watch and wait for the Facebook relationship status to change or get hidden, and don’t just assume that someone isn’t taking care of themselves by simply reading a two lined message.  Take a leap and talk to the other person before you assume.
• Be SUPER clear: If your relationship is already on the rocks, be super duper clear with your posts.  Don’t post ambiguous posts, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…”  You might be brainstorming on your next project at work, but your partner may read it after getting off the phone with you and worry that you may be in debate about the relationship, or uncertain about the bond.  Even though it might not say much to you, it could spark a sensitive cord with your partner.  Give a bit more info so it shows more of your world, such as “Things that make you go hmmmm…. brain storming for work.”  The clearer you are, the less you have to explain.
• Post Safe Topics: Use safe topics posts that won’t strike a cord or can be misinterpreted.  Safe topics may include what are doing for the day, how your work day is going, or maybe a few of your favorite quotes.
• Don’t air your Relationship Dirty Laundry: Your feelings may be consuming you and all you want to do is let it out…on Facebook.  Posting your relationship problems won’t fix them.  It simply posts your dirty laundry to the public and causes more problems.  Instead, address the issue directly with your partner.  It isn’t that people don’t care about your relationship and your struggles, but posting your issues and complaining about it isn’t appropriate…nor will it get you anywhere.  Not everyone needs to know the nitty-gritty about your relationship. Think twice before you post.  It is a public forum.
• Change your Privacy Settings: Sometimes personal life really shouldn’t mix with business, or certain people shouldn’t know your daily life activities.  Change your privacy settings so that co-workers, family, and friends have limited access.  Remember, people don’t know exactly what is going on in your world, and they may interpret your posts wrong.  Piecing together someone’s life by facebook posts is very common, yet very challenging to get the puzzle pieces to fit exactly.  Filter who can and cannot see your postings; save yourself a lot of pain and heart ache.
• Include your Partner: Instead of having the Facebook individual and separate, include your partner by either going on together or having a joint account. The relationship could improve drastically by simply bonding over an online social experience as a team.  Allow your partner to sit next you while you go on, helping reassure them.  Discuss what would feel comfortable for the two of you and find a way to include one another.
• Cut back: It is very very easy to caught up(or addicted) to the social networking and you could find daily surfing increasing and checking your cell phone for updates, or wakeup/go to bed to facebook.  You might cross a line and focus on what your family member has posted that it impacts your day.  Either way, your interactions with FB are hindering you and your relationships.  Cut back.  Know when to say no and let go of the steam.  If you are on it all the time, show your partner they priority and more important than Facebooking and cut back on your FB Addiction.  J
• Delete the Red-Flag Friends: Sometimes people may cross a line by posting inappropriate messages or flirty comments.  If this person is a red-flag for either you or your partner, it may be time to delete them from friend’s list or you may need to confront the issue straight on.  Being friends with a “red-flag” won’t help the relationship heal, improve a bond, or help your partner feel comfortable with you.  It tends to have the opposite effect.  If in doubt…press delete.

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12 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Spouse

***Many people are in unhealthy relationships, and in order to be in a healthy one you may have to break up with your current boyfriend or girlfriend. When someone is being just foul and wrong to you; you should never stay around and just accept always being hurt. Sometimes people in good relationships like to break up with their partner when the partner has not done anything to deserve being left. This normally happens because one person falls out of love, the two just grow apart, or one person is just the type of person that takes pleasure in breaking hearts...... if you are breaking up with your partner and cannot apply one of the things on the list below to them, then your just one of those heart-breaking assholes....*** ~Heavenly

Breaking up is never easy (especially if it’s not your decision), but oftentimes it is necessary. Perhaps it’s a matter of growing apart or falling out of love. Perhaps one or both of you just aren’t into each other anymore. In extreme cases, perhaps the relationship has become emotionally and/or physically abusive, alternating between cold, sullen resentment and overt hostility.

People stay in unsatisfying and/or toxic relationships for a variety of reasons: fear of being alone, fear of change, the comfort of the familiar vs. the fear of the unknown, financial reasons, children, religious beliefs, etc. We tell ourselves it’s not that bad or things will get better as a reason (i.e., excuse) not to make a difficult, but positive change. Unhappiness in your primary relationship affects every area of your life—physical and mental health, career and other relationships.

Below are some strong signs that it’s time to end your current relationship:

1.   If you’ve been hurt physically.Ignore excuses and apologies; if violence has surfaced, it will surface again. Get out at the very first strike. This goes for men, too. If your partner, pushes, kicks, shoves or slaps you and/or throw things at you; GET OUT. Physical violence isn’t acceptable from either sex.

2.    When you’re totally incompatible.If your partner’s dream is to travel the road as a wandering musician and you’re a city person with ambitions, one or both of you will probably be unhappy if you stay together. Relationships have a better chance at being successful with people whom we share similar values and goals.
3.    When he or she isn’t even close to your fantasy.You may be tempted to stay with someone just because they’re available and willing, but this is generally a bad idea. There should be some chemistry in order to have a successful future.

4.    When he or she just can’t say I love you.Even if there’s chemistry, if someone can’t express their love for you with affectionate gestures, nurturing, and the words “I love you,” you’ll never really feel satisfied with them.

5.    When he or she just isn’t there for you.If you’ve been together a while and can’t count on him or her to come get you if your car breaks down, or to attend family or work events, then you don’t have a solid relationship.

6.    When you’re afraid to express yourself.Being in love should bring out the best in you. It should help you to be less self-conscious and make you more open and alive. If you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time because your partner is emotionally volatile and verbally abusive, it’s probably a sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

7.    When your self-esteem is suffering.If your relationship is demeaning, makes you feel bad about yourself, leaves you feeling like you’re not heard, and you’re getting more criticism than praise, then it’s time to end it. A good relationship makes you feel respected and loved, worthwhile and good about yourself.

8.    When he or she is a philanderer.Serial philanderers usually have a pattern of behavior. If you discover your mate has that kind of history, don’t believe “never again.” The heartache and torment will never end.

9.    When he or she commits an unforgivable act.There are single acts so horrid that they should mean the END. If he or she sleeps with your best friend, is disrespectful to your family, consistently criticizes and undermines you, stands you up at the altar, or commits murder, end the relationship with no second chances.

10.    When the same problems recur again and again.Loving someone doesn’t always guarantee you can spend the rest of your lives together. If you’ve broken up and reunited and you’re still having the same fights, the same problems or different versions of the same problem, especially if you’ve tried relationship counseling, it’s probably best to end the relationship. Saying, “things will be better” and actually making things better by changing attitudes and behaviors aren’t the same thing. The former is lip service and mollification; the latter is growth.

11.    When he or she says, “I need some space.”The relationship seems to have stalled and your partner says something like, “I want time,” or “I want space,” or “I think we should see other people,” or “I need to devote myself to my career.” Almost always, what he or she means is “I want out.” These things happen, don’t drag it out. You might say, “Sounds like you want to break up. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I understand. I hope we can remain friends.”

12.    When the relationship just doesn’t progress.Relationships have a natural progression. If you’re not progressing and you can’t pinpoint the cause, you might want to try couple’s counseling. However, if he or she won’t go, or goes but doesn’t think there’s a problem or can’t see his or her role in the problem, and/or uses counseling to blame and trash you while exonerating him- or herself, the relationship is coming to an end.

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD



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Loves Me... Loves Me Not: The Dilemma of Off/On Again Relationships

By: Alicia Mitchell

Break up…. to make up...that's all we do... then you love me, now you hate me it's a game for fools. *Ahem* I am sorry just going along with the words of this song since it covers the awfully great deal of a on again off again relationships. For the ones in the most stabilized partnerships will often wondered, how can anyone sees themselves on the emotional roller-coaster ride with the object of their affection? For those that don't know it is hard to figure out. For the ones that went through the constant love me then leave me type knows what I am talking about.

You met the person you thought you can enjoy your life with forever. It has been several months since your first date and the two of you had been enjoying all the things couples will normally do. Most importantly in your eyes the person is funny, smart, and actually cute. Everything seem so perfect! Then out of the blue, mentions he or she is leaving you. Now your world crumbles into pieces, wondering how one can live on day by day without that wonderful person in your life.But...wait a second… after gloomy days, love songs that reminded you of your love and all those Kleenex all over your floor-surprisingly they call you and tell you how sorry they are.Thoughts of you heavily on their mind and regretting ever to break up with someone as lovely as yourself are tearing them apart. You consider for a minute to give them a another chance at love , remembering all the good times you two had together, not looking at the whole picture of whether or not he will be taking you on a ride again and risking a chance of getting hurt.
But of course you opt to forgive him, his flowers and his apology card that he perfectly handwritten just for you. You tell yourself no it won't happen again. Everything is going to be all right this time. And it sure is. Now continuing once again being happy together, saying the I-love-yous, calling or emailing each other every night before bedtime. Now you are saying to yourself, I just about knew he would've missed me!

Suddenly there goes heartbreaking news! No longer can he see you -insert reason here-. Now you're heartbroken again. You'd think does the old saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me applies to you and your situation.

Unfortunately it does. Getting involved with men (or women) that seem to love playing fun games with your heart one should evaluate carefully, especially giving them a second chance. Is it worth another go to get rejected not once but twice by the same person?

Some may think so. For the forgiving types like in the example above who believe in second chances, here are a couple things that should be worked out before making a final decision to open your heart again to your old love.

Saying "I'm sorry"- Sorry to say this but his (or her) apology is not enough. There should be a clear and honest reason for the relationship to be on again. What needs to be addressed is why he (or she) broke up with you in the first place so the two of you can sort out any problems surrounding the first break up.

Communication- One of the most important aspects in any relationships. Be direct. Tell the person upfront that you have no time for those that enjoy playing up one's feelings. For any reason they can't comprehend that, tell them where he or she can go.

For those weary of giving it another go, here are the downfalls. Same old song yet different tune- So many people wound up going right back to the reason they broke up in the first place. Lack of communication, dishonesty on one's part, whatever associated with the breakup. My advice here: If it's broke, don't bother to fix it.
Playing up one own ego- There are plenty people out there can just tune in who will take all their crap and who will not. The obvious are the rejected ones that goes right back constantly to their former love arms
again, believing every time is "different". Be honest with yourself. The reality is that the person knows they can run right to you when they are "lonely" or even worse; someone else broke off the romance with them now they are crawling back to you. They know you are their crutch whenever they fall. They also knows that somehow you will probably be right there waiting for them so you can buttered them up in many ways and make them feel irresistible. When their ego is all swelled up, they can now say thank you and leave right out the door.

The two reasons above are why I rule out on and off again relationships. They are most of the time unsuccessful. Besides, why would anyone want their heart steamrolled over and over again?

A person's self-worth should be valued. Especially in a relationship. Both parties should genuinely love one another and one should not be played for a fool. When circumstances like on-off again relationship that occurs, that type of relationship is not healthy and should never ever be redeemed, no matter how you might have strong feelings for the confused and emotionally immature. Be strong and firm about what you will and will not take and that include unstable relationships and the person that fits this type of relationship. If you will do that, you will attract the right person one day that will love you back and vice versa. And above all else, stay off again permanently with the confused person so they will seek a playmate that would play along with their game of fickle love.



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The Power to Create - Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships!

You have heard the excuses or even said them yourself. You know the ones like, " I want you to be happy", " I don't want to get hurt", or even "I don't want me or you to settle". The purpose of self-sabotage can sometimes appear to be even noble, that usually means trying to avoid the hurt & pain that comes with the joy & love in relationships. The purpose of self-sabotage can sometimes appear to be even noble, that usually means trying to avoid the hurt & pain that comes with the joy & love in relationships.

Sorry, folks, but all of the above goes hand in hand in relationships. Overcoming past hurts and even embarrassments takes a lot of inner strength because one has to deal with the truth about not only others, but themselves. Learn to be fair to yourself and to be fair to those you love and....that love you back. Beginning anew is not easy to do. So before venturing into the new, make sure you have a handle of the old. Be sure that you are ready to become involved in a relationship before you begin a new one. If you are already in a relationship and it's recognized by you or your significant other that you are pushing your loved one away, then seek out to discover how you can break the cycle of self-sabotage & begin the journey of self discovery. Recognize that you have the POWER TO CREATE. So what do you want to create for yourself, your relationship, your family? Want to exercise your POWER now? Here are some helpful tips to start you on your way to bringing anew :

1. Begin to journal. Writing down your thoughts and reflect monthly to recognize your progress of your healing process.

2. Talk to your significant other about what they see. Don't push if they don't feel comfortable or unable to give you any feedback. That's OK, and beginning the discussion will at least let your loved one know you care and want to be a better companion, person, etc. It can create a world of positive possibilities.

3. Recognize your own power in creating a happier, healthier you. Take ownership of your well- being and the well-being of your relationship.

4. Don't be shy, if needed or wanted, seek help from a trained professional. You should take care of your mental health and well-being like you do your physical health.

5. Above all else, try not to place a timeline on your healing process. The effort of overcoming years of pain and self-doubt takes time. The journey of self-discovery is a life journey.

Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Talena_C._Queen

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Kanye West - Runaway (Extended Video Version) ft. Pusha T

Sit back and really take in every aspect of this song/video....the visual...the lyrics...all....






And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good at that shit

See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hood rats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that's what I'm good at

And I always find, yeah, I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby
Runaway I'm about to get crazy, then runaway
Use the thug plan, runaway as fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby
Runaway, I'm about to get crazy
Why can't she just runaway?

Baby I got a plan, runaway as fast as you can

24/7, 365, pussy stays on my mind
I-I-I did it, alright, alright, I admit it
Now pick your next move
You could leave or live with it

Ichabod Crane with that motherfucking top off
Split and go where? Back to wearing knockoffs, ha, ha
Knock it off, Neiman's, shop it off
Let's talk over Mai Tai's, waitress, top it off

Ho's like vultures, wanna fly in your Freddy loafers
You can't blame 'em, they ain't never seen Versace sofas
Every bag, every blouse, every bracelet
Comes with a price tag, baby, face it

You should leave if you can't accept the basics
Plenty ho's in the baller-nigger matrix
Invisibly set, the Rolex is faceless
I'm just young, rich and tasteless, P

Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
'Cause the look in your eyes is killing me

I guess you knew another vantage
'Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don't know how I'ma manage
If one day you just up and leave

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can



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Domestic Violence: Men Being Abused by Women

National Institute of Justice estimates that 1.5 million women are victims of domestic violence each year. In that same year 835,000 men are abused by women. It is said that whereas every 21 seconds somewhere in America a woman is battered - but every 38 seconds somewhere in America a man is battered.

Men usually don't report the abuse. Men just don't tell, opting to keep it a secret from everyone around them. To them it's embarrassing that they are being physically or mentally abused by a woman. They feel that most people won't believe them. They will make excuses for their injuries. Some of the feelings that they have and why they don't report it to the police is from shame, they are worried that the female will turn the table on them and say that they were abusing her, and thinking that no one will believe him. Some men don't do anything about it because their self worth has been battered as well, and they feel that no one else would ever have them except the woman they are with and they would be alone for the rest of their lives. Some victims just don't want to make a change or they have small children that they want to stay and protect.

 The shame that the men feel when they try to get assistance, the ridicule, wondering what if the people at work find out that they are the one that is being abused. They wonder if they will become the joke of the locker rooms. It is harder for a man who is built like a football player to admit that his little petite wife abuses him. Who will ever believe him?

Many stories from men are that most the time the women were never charged even if the men displayed injuries. The "battered man" is hard to prove and to convince people that he is abused.

Most men will pretend that everything is fine at home when they are at work talking about family life keeping the abuse a secret. Maybe only telling one or two close friends if any at all. They will make excuses when asked to go out with the guys after work saying they had other plans when actually they're afraid that the female will go into a rage. So he sacrifices his happiness for hers. He has no life per say. Studies show that women who commit violence against the men in their lives have anger management issues, are likely to abuse their children, yet courts still favor giving the custody of the children to the female evenafter domestic abuse has been proven.

There are shelters out there for woman who are abused the court systems have help for children to get them out of the situation. But for men, they are left out in the cold. It's a hush-hush situation just like incest was at one time. It is now time to bring this epidemic in the public eye. There are many men who are abused daily by their wives, and the support that these men need is not there for them to heal and rebuild their lives.

The news lately has been showing more abuse on men, but its still only after the man had been killed by the woman. Then most of the time the women will claim abuse was committed against them, with the man deceased, it's impossible to question him about the events.

Physical abuse isn't the only abuse men have in relationships, there is verbal assaults that is the screaming, yelling which wears on the self confidence of the man.

The female know how to control the actions of the men, how to make them do only what the female wants them to do, they know how to make the man feel guilty. The female may keep you in such a state of confusion about twisting your words, making the man question his sanity. The stress will take a toll on his body, his emotional well being. The stress will make the man have blood pressure problems, which will lead to other problems.

Domestic abuse against men is occurring daily, just as it does against women. It's not just the females being abused. It's all unacceptable.

source:

http://www.batteredmen.com/

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How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern

-By Korin Miller


Even though you swear your exes are totally different, experts say most women have a relationship pattern they keep going back to. See how to break yours for a love that won't leave you hurting.

We were shocked when we heard that the first guy Rihanna seriously dated after Chris Brown had been accused of domestic abuse by an ex-girlfriend. After everything she went through, it would seem as if she'd be repulsed by men with that kind of reputation.
Turns out, the opposite is more likely to be true. "Most of us have a relationship pattern — that same type of guy we keep falling for — and it can work for or against us," says couples therapist Deborah Dunn, author of Stupid About Men. "It's not uncommon for women to keep going back to the type that wronged them in the past." How do you change whom you're drawn to dating? It's not easy, but it starts with figuring out where your attraction to these guys came from in the first place.

Family Ties
Experts say we develop our taste in men at a young age — anywhere from childhood to adolescence. "Whether it's positive or negative, everyone has a relationship pattern based on what they learned about love when they were growing up," says Alon Gratch, PhD, author of If Love Could Think.

Repeatedly choosing the wrong guys signals that you may be driven to re-create the drama you had with your father or first boyfriend. Many women who had an absentee dad or let the arrogant JV football captain string them along for years will go for men who are unavailable or talk down to them because they're subconsciously trying to resolve things with the guy who let them down earlier in life, says Dunn — even though, clearly, that's not solving anything.

Women in these toxic patterns get hooked on the ups and downs of their relationships and can form what experts call betrayal bonds, which cause them to feel even more attached to men who show them these extreme — and sometimes ultimately dangerous — forms of attention. "You eventually feel like a guy doesn't love you unless he's either yelling in your face or trying to win you back," Dunn says.

Break the Cycle
All guys have less-than-admirable moments, but there are major tip-offs that your type is bad for you. Consistently feeling worse about yourself as you become more involved with a boyfriend is a giveaway that something isn't right, says Diana Kirschner, PhD, author of Love in 90 Days. Other red flags: feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around a guy and dropping everything to spend time with him even though he's proven he wouldn't do the same for you. And while only you know what your relationships are really like, pay attention if your friends and family disapprove of every man you date, says Gratch.

To alter whom you're attracted to, you need to believe that what you've experienced isn't how love has to or should be, says Dunn. Ask friends who are happy in their relationships to describe how their guy behaves toward them so you can hear what you're missing out on. Or if you're coming off yet another bad breakup, consider seeing a therapist to make peace with the guy who originally wronged you, recommends Kirschner.

For extra motivation, picture what your life could be like in 10 years if you're still choosing men who treat you badly versus men who will care for you in a positive way. Which future do you want?




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